Unfinished Business

I have slowed down on the dating scene the last few months to focus on myself and some goals that I want to accomplish. Although my heart is ready for a relationship, I feel like I have some unfinished business with myself to take care of. I am open to dating but have no intention of taking it further right now.

I am overweight and I hate it. I am the fat girl with the pretty face. I am frequently told that I am sexy or pretty by male and female friends or men that I date but none of that matters to me anymore. I have not always been overweight. I was fit before I became a mother 12+ years ago. I have never lost my pregnancy weight. Instead, I have gone up and down like a yo-yo. I especially gained a bunch of weight after I quit smoking 3 years ago. I would much rather be fat than smoke again so I am SO glad that I finally quit. I also put on an additional 15 pounds over the last year due to a bunch of heartache. I had a breakthrough about 1 1/2 months ago. I decided to change my habits and exercise every day, just like brushing my teeth. I am proud to say that I have been successful with the exercise. Exercising has now led me to change my diet so I am counting carbs. I have done this before except I never did it the right way. I feel the best when I am eating less sugar. I have lost 5 pounds. I know this will take a long time.

I hate being fat. I have done this to me. I was really angry at myself when Austin contacted me to go on a date and I had done nothing to improve physically over the last year....All I did was sit on my ass working and eating crappy food.

Being fat bothers me. I am the fat friend, the fat mother, the fat sister, and the booty call fat girl. That's right, booty call fat girl (without the sex). I have been on numerous dates and what I have found is that I am not girlfriend material because I am fat. No one has told me that. They pursue me like they want me but they just want the sex in the end. I am the booty call fat girl. I know that if I were to lose this weight and get fit that I would value myself more and the man would value me more. I would appear more like a prize. Back when I dated as a much smaller woman, I could not keep the guys off of me. They all pursued me for a RELATIONSHIP, it was not just about sex. I know there are men out there that want to be with a fat woman. I have dated many of them. One even said I wasn't fat enough. LOL

Since I have been overweight, it has been a very rare occurance for a man to hit on me in person. As I have been going to the gym regularly, a man approached me at the gym and asked for my email address. We have been communicating often. He is about 15 yrs older than me and very cute. It does not appear that I will like him long term but it is motivating to know that I am going to the gym to meet a guy.

I have been thinking of Austin lately. I do have feelings for him. Tomorrow will be one month since we last saw each other. I have not heard from him and I am okay with that. I have hope that we will see each other again because of our recent reunion. I plan to give it some time and then contact him if he does not do it first. He wrote something on his Myspace that made me curious. He wrote it in French. I did have it translated and what he said was that he was sad because of the end of a new love. I did cry reading it because I do not think it had to do with me. This made me realize once again that I am not girlfriend material. I know that on the inside, I have desirable qualities to a man. I also know that I am physically desirable...but am I long term, no! I am the right now girl and don't want to be anymore! I am soooooo tired of being out with my in shape female friends and men using me to get to them. I also hate it when I dismiss myself when a cute guy comes along and automatically assume that the man wants my friend because he could not possibly want me.

I am excited about what I will accomplish. For the first time as an adult, I have a clear vision of what I want. I just can't wait to get there!