Unfinished Business

I have slowed down on the dating scene the last few months to focus on myself and some goals that I want to accomplish. Although my heart is ready for a relationship, I feel like I have some unfinished business with myself to take care of. I am open to dating but have no intention of taking it further right now.

I am overweight and I hate it. I am the fat girl with the pretty face. I am frequently told that I am sexy or pretty by male and female friends or men that I date but none of that matters to me anymore. I have not always been overweight. I was fit before I became a mother 12+ years ago. I have never lost my pregnancy weight. Instead, I have gone up and down like a yo-yo. I especially gained a bunch of weight after I quit smoking 3 years ago. I would much rather be fat than smoke again so I am SO glad that I finally quit. I also put on an additional 15 pounds over the last year due to a bunch of heartache. I had a breakthrough about 1 1/2 months ago. I decided to change my habits and exercise every day, just like brushing my teeth. I am proud to say that I have been successful with the exercise. Exercising has now led me to change my diet so I am counting carbs. I have done this before except I never did it the right way. I feel the best when I am eating less sugar. I have lost 5 pounds. I know this will take a long time.

I hate being fat. I have done this to me. I was really angry at myself when Austin contacted me to go on a date and I had done nothing to improve physically over the last year....All I did was sit on my ass working and eating crappy food.

Being fat bothers me. I am the fat friend, the fat mother, the fat sister, and the booty call fat girl. That's right, booty call fat girl (without the sex). I have been on numerous dates and what I have found is that I am not girlfriend material because I am fat. No one has told me that. They pursue me like they want me but they just want the sex in the end. I am the booty call fat girl. I know that if I were to lose this weight and get fit that I would value myself more and the man would value me more. I would appear more like a prize. Back when I dated as a much smaller woman, I could not keep the guys off of me. They all pursued me for a RELATIONSHIP, it was not just about sex. I know there are men out there that want to be with a fat woman. I have dated many of them. One even said I wasn't fat enough. LOL

Since I have been overweight, it has been a very rare occurance for a man to hit on me in person. As I have been going to the gym regularly, a man approached me at the gym and asked for my email address. We have been communicating often. He is about 15 yrs older than me and very cute. It does not appear that I will like him long term but it is motivating to know that I am going to the gym to meet a guy.

I have been thinking of Austin lately. I do have feelings for him. Tomorrow will be one month since we last saw each other. I have not heard from him and I am okay with that. I have hope that we will see each other again because of our recent reunion. I plan to give it some time and then contact him if he does not do it first. He wrote something on his Myspace that made me curious. He wrote it in French. I did have it translated and what he said was that he was sad because of the end of a new love. I did cry reading it because I do not think it had to do with me. This made me realize once again that I am not girlfriend material. I know that on the inside, I have desirable qualities to a man. I also know that I am physically desirable...but am I long term, no! I am the right now girl and don't want to be anymore! I am soooooo tired of being out with my in shape female friends and men using me to get to them. I also hate it when I dismiss myself when a cute guy comes along and automatically assume that the man wants my friend because he could not possibly want me.

I am excited about what I will accomplish. For the first time as an adult, I have a clear vision of what I want. I just can't wait to get there!

3rd Time is NOT a Charm

Last night I went out with a guy named John that I have not seen in a year. We went on 2 dates last year but never went on a 3rd date. John is in his early 40s (he lied on his dating profile and put 39). He owns a business and has never been married. He's around 5'9, brown hair, brown eyes, soft spoken, and a bit peculiar.

He contacted me recently by email and asked why we never went on a 3rd date. I replied and told him that he rarely called me and only sent texts which was a turn off and also that he got too physical way too fast. He asked if he could have the opportunity to take me out again. I told him yes. He started calling me over the last 2 weeks. We have had some decent communication. Things were way better than they were before. I noticed some areas where we were not compatible. One being that he is into conspiracy theories. He is not an extremist but the fact that he does not vote because he does not want the government tracking his information alarms me. I have a couple of minor conspiracy theories myself but I do not live my life around it. My outlook on life is way different than his. He seems more negative and like a non-participating citizen which drives me crazy.

I met him at an expensive asian restaurant. I walked in and saw him and immediately knew why I did not go on a 3rd date. I had that same repulsed feeling again. I looked around the room and noticed the other couples snuggled next to each other in tables and booths. For a moment I envisioned myself one day sitting there with someone else. The men were dressed in white crisp shirts with and without ties. My date was wearing jeans and an old polo like shirt in this nice fancy place. What a turn off. He knew the style of the restaurant.

I sat down and tried to look at him but had a hard time. I realized at that moment that I was so not attracted to him physically. Last year I was dealing with the pain of not seeing Austin anymore and John was one of the guys that I dated right after him. John is confusing to look at. He seems awkward but then he may give a certain facial expression that makes him look cute. His face seems a bit rough and what turns me off the most are his ears. His ears do not stick out at all. They are too big for his head. I normally do not notice much physically about someone because it is so much more than that for me. But I think that his big ears, rough face, and awkwardness, combined with the fact that he lied about his age, is into conspiracy theories, loves horror films, watches serial killer documentaries, and asked me what my foot size is because he likes big feet, just sent me through the roof. The last thing I want is to be the story line for the next Hannibal Lecter movie.

He began to look cuter as I drank my Martini. The food was delicious. It was so pretty that I did not want to eat it. It was time for the bill and I debated on whether I should pay my half because I was not into him. I decided that he should pay because he invited me. He walked me out to my car and I sensed that he was expecting a kiss because we did so before on dates 1 and 2. I could not bring myself to do it. I leaned in to give him a hug. He made some kind of ummmm sound which sent the bad chills up my spine and he tried to kiss me and I went for the hug and patted him on the back like a friend. I felt awful for rejecting him but I could not help it. There is no way that I could go there with him. We said bye and he walked away and I shouted for him to call me even though I did not mean it. I know he sensed it. Later I texted him and thanked him for the dinner and company. I never heard back.

The "Ultimate" Cheatin' Ex-Boyfriend

I found my first real boyfriend, Jay, on Facebook a few days ago. He is the man that I lost my virginity to and the one that ripped my heart out when he cheated on me multiple times. We were also engaged at one time. I have been looking for him for years. Not to reconnect a love romance but to see what his life turned out like. He is now married with 3 kids. It appears to me that his wife is who helped turn his life around. We met for lunch today. It was odd at first because we are both now adults not teenagers. He apologized for being such a jerk to me in the past. I did feel his emotional neediness towards me, though. After we finished our lunch, I asked him if he would take a photo with me because I am creating an album for "ex boyfriends". He laughed and said he would. He also told me that he is the "ultimate" ex-boyfriend because he was the one that "had" me first. Do all men think like this? What freakin' nerve! We sat next to each other while the waiter took our photo. His hand went on my leg and he immediately removed it. He later texted me and made some comments towards me that made me think that he is still a cheater so I called him out on it. I thank God that I never ended up with him. We are 2 totally different people now and what attracts me to a man is much more than what he can offer me. I told him that I plan to support him in his marriage with his 3 beautiful kids as a friend. I am glad that I met with him.

My Steamy Date with Austin

Last Friday was one of the most amazing days of my life. I wanted to see Austin so bad all year and the day finally came. I did not feel like I was ready to see him because I had not been taking care of myself but I went with it anyway and hoped for the best.

In order to explain the importance of this date, I need to give some background on Austin. He is upper 30's, people pleaser, beautiful brown eyes, highly intelligent, geeky, and commitment- phobic. We dated 3 months last year with no commitment. I was cool with that. It was the best time I have ever had dating. I built trust with Austin and eventually had sex with him. It had been many years since I had sex. The last time I saw Austin was the only time I ever slept with him. We had spent the night together at least 3 times but no intercourse. The night we slept together I planned it. Austin escorted me to an event. We were all dressed up. It was a wonderful evening. He came back to my place and we had great sex. I could not of imagined a more perfect night. Every detail was in place. The next morning, we had wake up sex and then he was off to work. He kissed me bye and emailed me that afternoon but he never called me again! I did not react to it. I pulled away from him and 1 1/2 months later, he contacted me by email and apologized. We exchanged a few emails in the beginning of 2008 but that was it. I was devastated by the rejection. I did not stop though, I kept on dating. I did go through a funk over it and put on some weight. All year I wondered why Austin never called. We dated for 3 months. It was not like we were on the first date. I went through every reason I could think of to try and figure it out. Now, I know why he never called.

Fast forward to the present. I was so nervous to see Austin. I spent lots of time grooming so I felt like a million bucks when I went to go meet him. He originally said that he wanted to meet somewhere near me but I told him I wanted to meet him near the city. He suggested a wine bar which is the place we went on our first date last year. I walked up to the wine bar where we were meeting and he was sitting at a table outside. It was a lovely evening. He got up to hug me and kissed me on the cheek. We sat down and talked for a long time before ordering our wine. We both tried different wine flights and he also ordered a cheese tray. What I love about Austin is that he takes care of me really well. He would cut the cheese and bread and hand it to me. He had my wine glasses perfectly lined up where I knew what I was drinking. I did not know if this was friendly or if this was a date so I kept my distance. We had a great time talking and laughing. Austin kept touching my arm so I knew this was more than friendly. He eventually held my hand.

Next we went to another bar with loud dance music and hookahs. The place is so sexy. We sat on a really nice round, high backed couch. The lights were dim. We ordered some drinks and smoked a hookah. He kissed me and wow. He told me he forgot how sensual my kisses are. I was so happy that I wondered if it was actually real. We teased each other a bit and kissed off and on. The conversation was really fun. I learned so much more about him. I felt like he opened up and trusted me more. Later, we talked about going back to his place. I was not sure if I was ready for that so I was still considering it. All year long I have wanted to have sex with him and here it is right in front of me! The last person I slept with was Austin. The night moved on and I was seriously buzzed from the dirty martinis. I did not eat much earlier so that had everything to do with it.

After we left, Austin drove us by a late night fast food place so that I could sober up before driving. He was so cute. The man really knows how to serve me and please me. He totally gets my sexuality as well. We have never had to talk about it. As we were driving back to my car I told him that I had an idea. I said that I was staying in a hotel up the road for an event and he could come up. I told him to wait in the car while I went in to check in. Then I would text him my room number. My room was on the top floor overlooking the city with floor to ceiling windows. It was one hot, sexy night. When we were laying on the bed, he tells me that he felt humiliated the last time that we were together. He said that it was not me, that he felt like he could not "perform" for me sexually what I deserved. Looking back now, I put way too much pressure on him sexually that night. I did not mean to. It was my first time after many years so I joked about getting it on all night. This created performance anxiety in him. I remember him telling me that there was something wrong and that he needed to see a doctor. I told him that it was completely normal. I believe now that this is why he never called me. He was humiliated because he had performance anxiety. He went through it again this time as well and he tried to cover it up. I was trying to comfort him and let him know it is completely normal. He ended up telling me that he wanted to hold me all night long. We did and it was wonderful. I love that.

The next morning we woke up and took a shower together. He washed my hair, conditioned it, soaped me, and dried me off. We had more sex after that. Then he left to catch a plane and I had to get ready. He called me 5 minutes after he left and said that he had a wonderful time. I honestly don't know if I will hear from him. I told him to text me when he gets back in town. I want to believe that he will call or contact me in some way because he has such a conscience. If he does not, my plan is to not let another year go by in silence, I will nudge him and pursue him gently and slowly. This man excites me and he motivates me to face my greatest fears. And to think that when I first met him that I told myself that he was too geeky and that I would never see him again. HA! At the very least, I want him in my life as a friend. We get along so well and I have such a blast. Time will only tell.

All Too Familiar

You won't believe this. I was out shopping and talking to my girlfriend on the phone and then she blurts out that Phillipe just emailed her through a dating website! I felt so sick to my stomach. He told her that he knew me and that he recognized my friend through some of the photos that he had seen. He said he was just checking out the dating site and then he asked her how she was doing. I could not believe it. Phillipe and I met on another dating website and I told him in one of our first phone calls about another dating website that I use. I could no longer shop so I left the store and went home to get on the dating website. Then he saw me online and IM'd me on the dating website. He told me that he saw my friend and he emailed her to say hello. He said he was on the site to spy on me. He also told me that he thought my friend is cute. I agreed and told him that she is cute. I did not want him to think it bothered me. I think Phillipe was intentionally trying to make me jealous because he knows I have a date with Austin on Friday.

This is all too familiar for me. There was a guy that I dated last year that ended up having a crush on my friend. I made the huge mistake of going on a double date on the 2nd date. His attention was on her all night and he later told me about his crush. I was heartbroken over the whole deal. He was a jerk. I feel so lucky because my girlfriend is one of the best friends that anyone could ever have. I can trust her. She would never do anything to hurt me.

Dating Tip for Men and Women - Do not go on a double date or introduce your single friends to your date until you are in a committed relationship.

What Should I Do?

Yesterday Phillipe called me. I was so shocked when I saw his name pop on my caller ID. He said that he wanted to see me for lunch. I asked him why and he said that he wanted to be with me with no alcohol. We both arrived at the restaurant late. He still looked good in the daylight and was in casual clothing. He said that he was still not smoking and that my challenge motivated him to quit. Early on I told him that I was an ex smoker who quit 3 years ago and I asked him not to smoke around me or kiss me after smoking because it disgusted me. So he quit before our 1st date and asked me for my support. He has been a jerk lately and he told me that he would have a hard time detoxing from cigarettes.

I asked him why he wanted to meet me now rather than 2 weeks. He said that he wanted to make up his mind about what he wanted to do. I asked him for his thoughts about all of this. He said that he wants to date me regularly and sleep with me regularly but he does not want to call it a serious relationship right away. He said that we can evaluate it at a later time. I told him I was relieved because I was not ready to get in a relationship so fast with him. I asked him if we should see other people. He said do you want to see other people? I said yes, I already have a date scheduled for this Friday. He backed up for a minute and said, "What?" I told him that I was going to see Austin. This freaked him out. He said that he wanted to sleep with me before Friday so that he could feel secure about my date. I asked him why. He said that if he sleeps with me then I won't sleep with Austin. I told him that after Saturday I thought that we were done. I said that I was surprised to hear from him. We ended our lunch. He kissed me bye.

We spoke again later in the evening. I had more questions for him about what he is wanting to do. Our conversation got heated and I am sure that I pissed him off. I was trying to push his buttons to see what he would expose to me. I am just trying to find out if this is a one time deal or a "regular" deal. If I sleep with someone, I want it to be more than once. First of all, I do not see myself with this man in the long run. He is so not what I am looking for long term but I am physically attracted to him. Part of me wants to have sex with him. It has been a year and I don't let men in that close to me to sleep with me. I think I have some kind of problem with this. I love sex and lots of it but I have a hard time getting over the hump to have sex the first time with a man. Many women have sex right away. I used to do that when I was younger. I wish I could be that free again. He asked me to take a risk and see where it goes. I remember another guy that I dated said the same thing except he asked me to take a leap of faith.

Basically what all of this means is he is wanting to sleep with me and get to know me and maybe get in a relationship. At any time, either one of us could call it off. No strings attached. I am torn as to what I should do. I go back and forth about it. Part of me thinks he just wants to sleep with me until he finds someone new. I guess I would be doing the same as well. Logically, I know that he is not the one for me. But I do want to have some fun, though. I am not sure where we stand at this point. He was kind of nasty to me last night because of the conversation that I had with him. I am going to pull away and see what happens. It is hard to tell if he is just agitated from no smoking or if he is really like this. I know he is having a hard time. Us talking about the details of it all has messed up the fun part of sex for me. I don't like to think about when it will happen. It just happens.

I am weighing all of this carefully. What should I do? All thoughts are appreciated.

The Bitch is Back

The bitch is back and I am pissed off! This afternoon I heard from Phillipe because we were planning to get together this evening for the 2nd date. He tells me that he did not think it was a good idea for us to get together tonight for 2 reasons. One is that he went way over his budget on our date and did not have anymore money to spend tonight. I think he spent around $200 + last night. I was concerned that he spent too much last night but he kept ordering the food, alcohol, and appetizers. He said he was way out of control and he thinks he drank too much and at times did not know he was spending it. The second reason is because he felt a sexual attraction to me and that it was dangerous for him. I was totally baffled by this. He said that since we have been talking, he felt an emotional connection but then it was not present when we met. He said that he felt a strong sexual attraction to me all night instead. Phillipe told me that he was confused and needed some time to think about it. He said that in the past, he has slept with girls and just walked away and he did not want to do that to me. He told me he respected me way too much to hurt me. He said that when we met, he did not feel intimidated and shy like he did on the phone, that I was not as dominant in person???? He also felt like alcohol may have contributed to his intense animal behavior. He said he did not like the way he reacted to me. He thought he was saying and doing anything to get me to bed and he did not like that. I told him that I was also at fault because I was interested in making out with him so I too contributed to the sexual desire of the evening. He said he needed some time to think about it. We agreed that we would still talk and then meet up in 2 weeks without alcohol to see if there is a connection. If I weigh it all carefully, Phillipe does not have everything that I want. I was willing to overlook the fact that he has 3 very young kids and that he is weak financially. I really do like the way we communicate though, very open and brutally honest. I don't know if we will reconnect for another date. Only time will tell.

I am disappointed with all of this. I look back and yes I made major mistakes. I opened up too easily and revealed way too much of myself. I also NEVER SHOULD HAVE KISSED HIM ON THE FIRST DATE. I am now officially making a new rule for me and first dates, No kissing on the first date, period. I also will not be discussing sex at all before or anytime during the first date. AND I will not be doing any heavy petting on the first date. I showed way too much nice girl. I was too pathetic with my sweetness. I am tired of being real. Men may say they want real but it never works. The only thing that works is to be mysterious and a bitch...on to the next date.

The Date with the French Man

I just got home from a fabulous date. We were both nervous to meet each other. I arrived on time and he was already upstairs at the bar waiting for me. He wore a button up shirt with a tie. Very handsome. I love his face, he has a million dollar smile along with beautiful brown puppy dog eyes and long eyelashes. His body is rockin' as well :) We had dinner at a French restaurant on top of the roof while listening to live jazz. The air outside was perfect. Everything I ate, I had never had before (escargot, baked salmon). It was so delicious. He said that he loved the place and that it reminded him of home. He ordered a bottle of wine from France. Every time my glass was empty, he would pour it for me. I love being taken care of like that. It was neat seeing him so excited about the wine and food. He is a wine connoisseur. I was so impressed with his knowledge about wine. When we received our dinner, I asked him if he wanted to try some of my food. He said sure and then he got some of his food and fed me. I did the same in return. What a turn on.

We left the restaurant and walked down the street to a bar. He sat next to me in the booth and we drank exotic beers all night. I was rolling on a good buzz. He was smooth and snuck the kiss in while we were in the booth. His lips are big like mine so they fit well together. We kissed many short, sweet kisses while in the bar. All night long he gave me great eye contact. He consistently stared into my eyes. It was nice. Many beers later, he asked some deeper questions. At this point, my eyes started welling up with tears and they streamed down my face. How embarrassing! LOL He was awesome about it though. He grabbed my hand, kissed it, and faced his body with mine and nurtured my emotions. I asked the waitress to take our photo. He later asked if I could send the photos to him.

We left the bar and walked down the street and briefly checkout out the beautiful park. Then we went to my car and I drove us back to where he was parked. We stayed in my car for the next 3 hours making out! I love to kiss and he is an exceptional kisser. I did go further sexually than I normally do on a first date. He was very intense with me. I could feel his desire. I did get turned off when he asked me to give him oral sex. I could not believe he asked me to do that so fast. I told him that it was not the right time. We talked about our date for Saturday night and where we would like to go. He told me that it does not matter to him because he just wants to spend time with me. Phillipe and I have great chemistry. I think we get each other. It was very apparent when we would give each other a look and know that the other was thinking the same exact thing. Then we would bust out laughing. This will be interesting.

I am the type of person that has a real hard time having sex so quickly with a man. Sometimes I hate the fact that I struggle with it. After all, I am a 30s woman with a big sexual appetite. Part of me likes that I cannot have sex with a man until an emotional connection is established. Another part of me wants to be able to be free to have sex without feeling anything. So many women go way too fast sexually with a man which makes it very difficult for those of us that go slower. I can tell that with each man I date, the expectations are higher. Phillipe did tell me that he would wait for me to have sex. After tonight, I now know that he is highly charged sexually. I am too. I just hope he can be patient for me.

Right now I have this crazy insecure feeling. It all stems from a fear of abandonment and a fear of rejection. This happens sometimes when I have a really great date. I get fearful that I will never hear from them again. If you look at my history, that has never been the case but the fear still lingers...

911 Dating Emergency

Unfreakinbelievable!!!! Tomorrow night I will meet Phillipe for the first time. I am very much looking forward to meeting him. We have potential for more. I really like him and he has been expressing to me how much he likes me. Phillipe recently told me that he wants us to only see each other. He said he as a hard time with the idea of me seeing other men. I told him to slow it down and let's see how it goes. Take it step by step. I went into a bit of a panic yesterday trying to imagine myself with someone and committed. Quite frankly, it scares the crap out of me.

Tonight, the unthinkable happened. The text message that I hoped to receive again one day happened and I nearly threw up, passed out, and went into a seizure when I received it....AUSTIN ASKED ME OUT FOR TOMORROW NIGHT!!!!! His text message said, "Any plans for tomorrow evening?" "Let's have a glass of wine and catch up". OMG. Tears came to my eyes immediately. I was so pissed at the same time. All this time and I hear nothing from him about seeing each other this last year. We went out for 3 months this time last year. This is the one guy that I so badly want to see and kiss again. I am about to go meet a really nice (and hot) guy that I like and Austin wants to ask me out on the same day that I am about to go on a date with Phillipe? Is this crazy or what? I had to calm down and think about it for an hour before I responded back. For one thing, this will keep me from agreeing to an exclusive relationship with Phillipe for a little while. The one issue that I have with seeing Austin again is that I have gained one clothing size since I last saw him. I am not ready to see him right now. I told myself that if he contacted me then I would see him. Austin and I went out this time last year. I bet he has thought about us a lot. Dating him was so amazingly sexy, hot, and passionate. I have not quit thinking about him since last year. We ended up exchanging a few text messages. I told Austin that I have plans for Friday so I asked him about next week. We tentatively scheduled for next Friday. This will give me one week to lose a few pounds. I wish I could twinkle my chin and walla! 15 pounds lighter!

I am in shock. I cannot believe this happened. I am now really confused about all of this.

Ooh La La

I am talking to a French man. His name is Phillipe, smoking hot, mid 30s, 3 kids, business owner, from Paris and the Caribbean. We have been communicating through text, IM, and phone for 1 week today. He calls me every day and we talk for hours in the evening and sometimes into the morning. He has been investing a lot of time in me. He is such a gentleman...so romantic. We have a date this Friday and are excited to meet each other. He has already scheduled the 2nd date for Saturday!

He is very much like me in that we are both analyzers but with heart. We are deep thinkers and feelers. I was amazed at his level of wisdom and emotion. It is very rare. I think he gets me in many areas so I am curious to see how we are in person.

He told me that I touch a very sensitive part of him and he likes it. Phillipe scored major points when he took the many photos that I shared with him and put them in a collage and sent it to me. It was really thoughtful. I have noticed that men from online dating don't do the sweet little things that men have always done to win a woman's heart. It has been disappointing.

This looks promising but I don't want to get ahead of myself.

Max the Pervert

Alright that's it. Max is officially a pervert. Today he sent me a text at 8:11am asking me if I want him to send me a picture of his penis. Enough is enough. I hope my lack of response will make him feel like a schmuck.

Lenny is a Wimp

I don't think Lenny is the man for me. We have been chatting through IM and texting. I have given him my phone number and he has yet to call. He said he wants to talk via phone but I believe he is afraid to so he keeps hiding behind text and email. He sends me a text just to see if I can talk for the night and then we never do. What a turn off! Get some balls and call me even if that means you get my voice mail. At first it appears sweet like he is being respectful of my time but then it starts to smell like fear.

Dating Tip for Men - Don't hide behind text and email. You will look like a wimp. Be confident and bold and make the call.

Dating Tip for Women - If he does not have the courage to call you but instead sends instant messages and text, move on to the next guy. This is a clear sign that he is probably like this in other areas of this life.

Equal Opportunity Dater

I am an EOD...Equal Opportunity Dater. What this means is that even if you do not fit my physical traits that I desire in a man and you are a nice guy with a good personality, charm, and a stable job, then I might go on a date with you. I have male friends in my life that I know well. Normally, I would not think they are physically attractive but their hearts and everything about them make me attracted to them. So I know it is possible to get beyond the looks and fall for someone's heart. This does not mean that I am open to dating any man. I need to be a little bit physically attracted from looking at their photo or I won't go there. If I don't feel it on the first date, I will even go on dates #2, #3, or #4 to see if the attraction develops. I would have to be totally repulsed not to go on a 2nd date.

This leads me to my next potential...His name is Lenny. He is upper 30s, good stable sales job, 1 daughter, musician, and an all around good, polite, gentleman. I LOVE NICE GUYS. We have only been chatting through IM so far. The phone is next. He is very attentive. I love that.

I am not attracted to him physically except for his eyes and lips. He has one of the chunkiest faces that I have ever seen! This bothers me but I want to get to know him to see if there is a connection. So far, he has done everything right. He mentioned going on a date so I suspect that we will meet soon.

Dating Tip For Men and Women - You never know what prince or princess could be underneath an outer exterior. Try and date people outside of your typical standard of physical looks and see if an attraction develops. Don't limit yourself to one standard.

Back from the Cave

Today, Matt IM'd me again. He greeted me with, "Hey sexy ass". He is loving his new job. Overall he was fun and playful. John Gray from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is so right. Men are like rubber bands. They pull away and go in their cave. If you leave them alone, when they come out, they will spring back to you. When they come out, they act as if time never passed. Interesting...

What Relief

I am so happy that I contacted Austin. It was the best decision. I believe I lived in fear about contacting him again afraid that he may not speak to me. I have dated so much since him and have dealt with the rejection so it made it easier for me to take the risk. I don't know what I was thinking. Sometimes that fear runs my life. I am so relieved that we spoke. I do miss him a bunch. I have yet to reply to his last email. I need to do that soon because he asked me some questions. Over the last few days I have realized more and more that it is worth the shot. You only live once and if you don't take the risk, you'll never know. I know people that live their life so afraid of rejection that they never take a risk on love.

I Contacted Austin!

Today, I got up the nerve to contact Austin. I sent him an email. It was relaxed, short, and sweet. I just told him that I wanted to check in and say hello and see how he is doing. I did not mention anything about getting together. After I sent it, I had a fear that he may not respond but then I told myself that I have nothing to lose because we are already not talking anyway. I clicked the sent button, took a deep breath, and let it go. SEVEN MINUTES LATER HE REPLIED! Tears started flowing from my eyes as soon as I read the way he wrote the intro. He wrote "Hey! I was just thinking about you the other day!" No wonder I had this overwhelming urge to contact him. We both have been thinking about each other! He said he could not believe it has been a year. The tone of his email was happy and excited to hear from me. He wanted to know what was going on in my world so I sent another reply and gave him some of the highlights. I tried to keep it as brief as possible. I also wanted to sound interesting. I once again did not mention anything about getting together. He replied again within thirty minutes with a much longer email than what I had sent. He said that his job is going well. He said he was proud of what I have been doing. He told me that he is happy that we are back in touch and mentioned checking our calendars and getting together at a lounge. I would love to see him but I am not ready yet. I will contact him when I am. I want him to kiss me again...I have never been kissed like that before.


On another note, I heard from Matt today. He instant messaged me and said that he got a job and starts tomorrow. He has been out of work for the last few months so I am happy for him. It is funny to me how 2 weeks can go by and then this guy you were seeing all of a sudden contacts you as if you just spoke to him yesterday. It has been 2 weeks since I have heard from him. 2 weeks to a man is like 1 day. 1 day to a woman is like 1 year.

Dating Tip for Women - As long as you did not repeatedly display psycho behavior to a man that you dated for at least a month, it is okay to contact him to say hello. Allow for plenty of time (3 or more months) to pass before you contact him. More than likely he will respond back and be thrilled to hear from you. You have nothing to lose because you are not communicating anyway.

Should I Contact Him Now? That is the Question.

Austin has been on my mind a lot lately. We were dating this time last year for 3 months. I have this overwhelming urge to contact him by email just to say hello and see how he is. We have not spoken since February of this year. Austin is a different kind of man. He pursued in the sense of when we were in person and on the date but in between the dates, he asked me to contact him. Every once in awhile, if he did not hear from me, he would call. I have never had this happen before. Usually the man contacts me every time. With the exception of Austin, men never ask me to call. They like to stay in control.

Austin and I had the most passion for each other. I felt very safe with him and he took really good care of me. I don't think anyone has ever treated me better. He paid attention to all of my details. If he noticed that my feet were hurting, he would just start rubbing them. If my wine glass was empty, he would fill it up. He enjoyed serving me. I never had to say a word. He has really great taste and we have the same interests so I always had the best time with him. It is hard to explain what happened between us but all I can figure out is that he got scared and ran. I can tell that Austin has commitment issues. I think this is completely related to his father walking out on the family and never coming back when he was a young boy. I never did ask for a commitment but it is possible that my actions and body language told him otherwise.

I did move on in the dating world since Austin but honestly, I have been in a funk all year. I have gone up a clothing size and quit taking care of myself like I was doing. I do plan to contact him again to try and see him, but I want to be looking and feeling my best when I do.

I might go ahead and just email him to check in. His status on Myspace showed that he is sad so I am curious to see if he is okay.

Pursue Me Not

Christian and I exchanged many text messages yesterday and today. I told him one of the key components to what attracts me to a man is his desire for me. Christian said that he could not be a typical pursuer because of his unpredictable work schedule. I feel that is a bunch of bull. It appears to me that Christian does not want to put much effort into the pursuit. He thinks that his 3 dates BACK IN DECEMBER 2007 should be enough and if that did not attract me then it won't work. He wants to be in a relationship and I don't know if I am ready for that with him because I did not have enough time with him during the 3 dates to know whether I want to be with him. I am so confused by this guy. I have always told myself that if a man really wants to be with me, then he will come after me no matter what. Whatever happened to the man fighting for you?

DATING TIP FOR WOMEN - If a man really wants to be with you, he will overcome any obstacle within his ability to do so.

Could He Be the One?

Hmmm. I have been thinking about Christian a lot lately. Since he contacted me a month ago, I have wondered if he is the one. We went out last year and I was not ready to commit to him after 3 dates so it fizzled out. I also have not seen him since December. He stands out compared to the other men that I have dated this last year. He is a gentlemen and shows me respect. I do like his heart but I need more time for the attraction to grow. I have not heard from him in a couple of weeks so I sent him a text message letting him know that I was thinking about him. Want I want from Christian is for him to pursue me and date me so that I can know him better. Basically, I want to be swept off my feet. He just now sent me a text message back saying that he does not know what to do because he feels like he is the only one interested. He says that he wants to know that my interest in him is something more than casual. He wants me to drop the wall and take a leap of faith. He says that he thinks about me all the time but that he cannot place the interest and willingness in my heart. Gosh he is sweet.

DATING TIP FOR MEN - If you are interested in a woman, pursue her heart. When I say pursue, do it at a gentle, regular pace. Don't be psycho scary about it. If she allows you to pursue her then continue to do it to win her over. Men do not realize how much his pursuit will turn a woman on. There is something prince charming about it.


DATING TIP FOR WOMEN - As a general rule, do not pursue a man. Let him come after you. His actions of pursuit will prove his desire for you. If you have not heard from a man that you dated more than 3 times in awhile, it is ok to ONE TIME send him a text or very brief email to say hello. Nothing more than that. You may not hear from him right away so don't panic. He may respond the next day, a few days later, or nothing at all. Be prepared for that.

Comfortably Numb

Since I started dating again over a year ago, I have rejected people and I have been rejected. I have found that neither one is easier than the other. The more you experience it, the more you become numb to it and move on. Rejection has never been easy for me because I am such a sensitive woman and I am sensitive to how others feel. I definitely appreciate the amount of dating practice that I have had to learn to deal with this. When I was a young adult, it would take me a long time to get over rejection. Sometimes a year or two. It would hit me so hard that I would fall off into a deep depression. Today it is so much easier. I may be distraught for a day or two and then move on. Distraught may be too strong of a word.

DATING TIP FOR MEN AND WOMEN - In order to get over the fear of rejection, you will have to face it. The more you deal with it, the easier it is to get past it. Don't let the fear of rejection keep you from finding love. When you find your true love, it will be worth every bit of rejection that you ever had to face. As they say, practice makes perfect.

Max Needs to Plan

Max texted me tonight and a couple of times this week to get together. Each time I was too busy to meet with him. I am irritated by his lack of respect to think that I would get with him at the last minute. I think that by me telling him no all week that he will get the hint that he needs to make a plan with me in order to see me. For now, I want to keep him around just in case if I want to have some fun. He is definitely someone that I would never be with long term. Only for entertainment purposes and to pass the time.

DATING TIP FOR MEN - Women really appreciate it when you care about their TIME. Always make a plan with a lady. Give her at least 3-4 days notice. I get turned on if a man gives me a weeks notice. It shows me that he is confident, not afraid to commit, and that he respects me.

No More Desperate Housewives Fantasies

Guess what? The handyman has not knocked on my door in a week!!! I am so happy. I think that raising my voice in front of the other handyman did the trick. I feel so relieved. I was living in so much fear because he was so persistent trying to get me to sleep with him. I learned a huge lesson..no more Desperate Housewives fantasies.

Max's True Colors

Max IM'd me tonight. The first thing he wrote was, "hey naughty girl". I don't like this side of him. He was so polite and a gentleman before I went on a first date with him months ago. Then I screwed up and did the ultimate no-no of going to his house on the first date. Honestly, I was in the mood that night so I am sure he thinks I am easy. Now the only conversation he has with me is in a sexual tone. He also sent me a photo of his erect penis and talked about how he wanted to meet me this week at my house during lunch. The thought repulsed me. I had fun with him a long time ago but if this is the only side that I will see of him now then forget it!

Rubbers Anyone?

Tonight I hit the town with my girlfriend for a little dinner, drinks, and dancing. It is hard to find clubs/bars for the 30s and up crowd but we found a great place with a cool vibe. I used to be a regular club girl when I was 18-21 but have since slowed down a lot.

We had a delicious meal with some beers at a Mexican restaurant. Then we walked over to the club. I loved the set up. They had a bar that lit up and a live band playing. The band played music that only a 30s and up crowd would recognize. I felt completely comfortable like I fit in with the crowd. I have been to some bars lately where I seemed out of place with a much younger group.

I love to people watch. I witnessed a bunch of scantily dressed cougar women crawling all over the younger guys. I told my friend to please hit me if I ever dress like that at that age! I observed the men and women hooking up for the night and it hit me just how easy it is to have sex. The thought of all of the people having unprotected sex with many different people repulsed me because you don't know where they have been. I said that I should be the condom girl and walk around the club with a basket of condoms on my head and pass them out. Maybe even stand at the front door when the lights come on and give them away and say,"No glove, no love". Booty Call

The Booty Call

I heard from Matt. He called from a bar after a late night out with his friends at 11:45pm! I answered the phone and he said, "Hey sweetie, hey sexy, What are you doing?" I told him I was about to go to bed. He asked, "Why don't you come over in your pajamas and snuggle with me?" I told him no, that it was late and that he was booty calling me at the last minute. We both laughed. He tried to persuade me by offering a back rub, bath with bubbles and candles, etc. The back rub sounded yummy but it really was late and I had to get up early. I could hear his friends giving him a hard time in the background about calling me "sweetie". He has called me before while out with his friends. I find it funny and a little cute.

Matt and I have not had sex. We are both the type that likes to wait. How long? I don't know. I personally don't like to go too far too fast. I screw up and go too fast at times but for the most part I keep it to just making out. To give you an idea, I have had sex one time in the last year and have been on tons of dates. I sometimes wish that I could not have a conscience about it and just do it whenever I want to. I am emotionally connected to sex so I have to get to know someone before I can do it. I get really grossed out when I hear of men sleeping around a lot. I respect a man a lot more when he waits to get to know someone well before having sex. I am not sure what the future holds with Matt and I. Right now we are just having a little fun and I like it that way. I am getting to know him without all of the pressure of a commitment.

Matt Did Not Call Me Today

Matt told me that he would call me today and I did not hear from him. This hurts a bit because I was just vulnerable with him. He did call me yesterday and said he would call today. Oh great hear we go! Analysis! Why is it that I analyze men when I really start to like them? When I am not as in to them it does not make a difference to me. I am sure the main reason why I have had so many men from my past contact me again lately is because I started to put myself first and focus on me for a change. I think they sensed it. I have always been the side dish and I was finally making me the main course. Now that I messed around with Matt, I feel myself paying a bit more attention to him. I know the rules. I have read all the books. I can't stand the fact that this is my natural reaction. I sometimes wish that I could not have such a conscience after being physical with a man. I wish I could just walk away and not even think about it. I have this fear of rejection and abandonment that is driving the way I think right now. It is so hard to break. I have been going through all of the reasons why he did not call me today...Is he not attracted to me anymore? Am I just a girl that is for fun and not to be serious with? Is he not attracted to my body? I need to snap out of it. I know the thing to do is to focus on me and my goals. I need to have the attitude that he if calls great and if he does not great. But gosh, that will really piss me off if I do not hear from him again. I told him that I don't have sex or mess around with just any guy. He agreed that we would be a regular thing.

The Blushing Handyman

I bumped into the handyman on the way to Matt's house. He knocked on my car window which scared the crap out of me. Another handyman was near us within ear shot. He said, "Hey how about going to a bar with me on Friday night?" I told him no way, you are married. I said it loud enough to where the other handyman could hear me. Then I lied to him and told him that I am seeing someone and it is serious. I said that my boyfriend would not like me going to a bar with a MARRIED MAN. I raised my voice even higher and the other handyman got near us. He started blushing. I think I embarrassed him. I don't think he will bother me again. I hope this is resolved because I do not want to have to report this.

Morning Delight

I was in Matt's area for an appointment so we planned on me stopping by for a visit this morning. We laid on his bed and cuddled. He turned on some "love music" on a satellite channel. It was sweet. Let's just say we had a little fun. I felt confident being physically intimate. I have not let many men get that physically close to me in the last 11 years. I reminded him last night that I am looking for something more regular. He told me that he liked me and wanted to see where this might lead. A little while after I left his house, I started to feel fear like he would never call me again just like Austin did. This is ridiculous considering he just told me that he would call tonight. He did call me. I felt so relieved. I am curious to see what will happen with us.

What Does Matt Want?

Matt is one of the men from the past that has contacted me again in the past few weeks. What is neat about this time is that I am getting to know him better. He hides behind humor and sex but the truth is he has a real soft heart. He lives with 3 other roommates. I am not real fond of that but the good thing about it is that he has known his roommates for 20 plus years. They all have a strong brotherhood which is admirable. It is hard to tell what Matt wants from me.

He called me tonight and he wants to get together but I am busy. He asked me to call him later so I did. We spoke briefly. He flirts a lot. Sometimes he is a bit too sensitive when I bust his balls. He said he would call again soon. I like the fact that we are becoming friends.

Handyman Does Not Quit

He came by my place again today and I did not answer the door. He has not done anything to abuse his power but I wish he would just go away. I will have to tell him strongly to not come to my door.

No Handyman Today

I did not hear from the handyman all day. I hope it sticks and that he leaves me alone.

Handyman Does Not Know How to Accept No

I ran into the handyman this morning. He asked, "Why are you not answering the door when I knock"? I said I had a lot going on. He said, "When are we going to have a beer"? I told him that it would not happen, EVER. He said, "Are you scared"? I said NO. I told him I do not get involved with married men. I gave him strong eye contact. I feel like it is now final. Let's celebrate!

Fear No More

Alright, I am tired of being scared. Today the handy man knocked on my door again. Why am I letting a little stalking get to me? It has me terrified to leave my place. I will not let this man get to me. I will live my life. I will be confident. I will be bold. What am I thinking being scared? I am a ballsy bitch! I won't be controlled or manipulated by anyone again. I am a powerful woman dammit! I won't let him piss on my territory.

A Piece of Max's Chicken?

As I said before, guys are so unpredictable. The guy that I psycho text messaged after 1 date, Max, has suddenly come back into the picture after months of not calling me. You really can erase your mistakes with a man because they forget. He told me that he does not remember why we quit talking. Max has been pursuing me sexually. We never had sex but he thinks I am easy because I went back to his place on the first date! I have to say that I am tired of the sexual comments instead of good innocent conversation. One thing that grosses me out about men is knowing that that they might have just been with another woman. I prefer to be with someone that has not screwed around in a while. How do you really know? Are they all lying? Do I really want to mess with Max's piece of chicken? I think I just talked myself out of it. I'll pass.

Stalked by the Handyman

About 2 weeks ago, I was hit on by the handyman. I saw him around 2 times before and wondered about the new hot guy. I had an instant animal attraction towards him. I needed some work done to my place so I placed a work order. He was the person that came to my door so I asked him to come back later because I was not dressed good enough. He told me he would come back the next day. I made sure that I looked nicer. He was in my kitchen and he asked if I was married. I told him no. He asked if I had a boyfriend. I said no. I told him that I have dated quite a bit. He told me that men today just want to sleep with you. He said that every once and a while it is good to have some sex. He told me twice that I should have a boyfriend because I am cute. He said I had nice lips, skin, hair, and eyes. He asked me if I drink. I said yes, I like beer and wine. He asked me if I would like to get a drink that night. I said no, how about another night. We planned a week and a half away. I found out that he is married. He came by my place the next week and asked he we are still on. I said no, it is not a good idea. I told him I don't want conflict. He kissed me on the cheek and said okay so our plans canceled. On the night we were supposed to meet, he sat outside in his truck and waited for me to come home. He asked me where I had been, that he came by and knocked on the door. I told him again that I am a nice girl and I do the right thing and that I don;t want to be involved in this. He shook my hand and left. 4 days later, he knocked on my door 5 different times. I did not answer. I ran into him later as I left for an errand. He told me that he came by my place to say hi. I said that I had a lot going on. He met my daughter because she was with me. What started out to be a desperate housewives fantasy has turned borderline stressful. Hopefully he will leave me alone.

I Won't Do That Again!

I began talking to this really great well rounded guy from a dating website. Let's call him Bob. We exchanged many emails but only had 2 phone calls. He is well cultured, a gentleman, and a good person. He told me how much he has really enjoyed talking to me. On the 2nd phone call, he started to ask some questions. Not too deep but definitely more probing. I ended up telling WAY TOO MUCH about my past and for the first time, I felt totally ashamed of the choices I have made. I tell my story all the time and have never felt ashamed but for some reason I did this time. I have been beating myself up about it for days because I have a feeling he will never call again. I think what I told him was a bit too much for him to take in for one phone call. He told me he would call later in the week but never did. That's too bad because he is such a nice person. I really liked talking to him but if he can't accept me for my past then I don't need him anyway. I have been through quite a bit which has made me who I am today. I know next time not to reveal too much to soon. Gosh, I know this stuff. Why did I screw it up?

On another note, I have been thinking about Austin a lot. I would love to see him again.

Men are Unpredictable!

I have had 6 men that I have dated in the past year contact me in the last 2 weeks. So strange! Why all of a sudden? I have not spoken to at least 4 of them since January. A couple of them were booty calls. Two of them are still pursuing me.

First Day with a Boyfriend and Already Pissed Off

What is up with men? I have not heard from Victor since last night. He said he would call me in the evening and then I never heard from him. I sent him a text message and called but have not heard back yet. Why do they act this way? One day with a boyfriend and he has already pissed me off. He is usually good about calling me every day. He told me that he wanted to come over and make love to me last night. I told him no, because I was not ready to take it to that level yet. I wonder if he is pissed off and that is why he has not called me back. I don't even know if we are still together. I am frustrated.

I Have A Boyfriend

I cannot believe it. I have a boyfriend. I have not allowed myself to get close to anyone in 13 years. Victor and I finally met after 4 months of talking. There was instant attraction. I found him very sexy. He told me that he had feelings for me and that he loved me. He asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. He kissed me and it was amazing. He told me that no one has ever kissed him like that before. One thing that is a problem for me with being with Victor is that he is not always good about following through. He is accurate about 85% of the time which is not good enough for me. When you say you will do something, you do it. I have to figure out how I will turn this around on him. I do care for him but I don't love him yet.

I Hate Men Right Now

Victor contacted me out of the blue on March 24th. He seemed sincere and told me he wanted to start the dating process with me. It has been fun getting to know him. He is a fascinating person. The crazy part about all of this is that he tells me he loves me and knows that I am his type of woman. I am confused! He has never even met me! We have tried to schedule 2 times this week to meet and 1 other time today. He injured his leg some time ago and it has been so painful for him lately. So tonight we were supposed to meet and he ignored my text messages earlier in the day but then finally responded and said that he was in the hospital because of his leg. I don't even know if he is telling me the truth. Here I am again, the 3rd time not even seeing him. My trust has been broken with him. I don't even know what to think anymore. Men piss me off! I hate them! I still don't know what is happening to him in the hospital. Now I am worried about him and have not heard back. I feel like it is all over with him. I don't know what to do. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs! Damn jerks!

Blah

Blah...that's how I have been feeling lately. Very much withdrawn from men the last couple of weeks. I did end up rescheduling the date from last Thursday with Shane. I did not have to do it though, he did! He had to go out of town for work so we are going out this next week. I am not sure if I will be into him.

Victor told me AGAIN the he would call last Wednesday and Thursday...no call from him whatsoever. I never asked him to call me. This was him instant messaging me to tell me that he would call. I am sooooo turned off by him right now. I feel like sending him a message telling him to never contact me again.

O'Brady has been instant messaging me a lot lately. I just don't see myself with him long term. He is so good looking but so "it's all about me". The other mark against him is that he has been to prison. I just don't think I could be with someone that has a rough past again. Don't want to take the chance. He is a changed person but as Dr. Phil says, "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior". I think we will be friends. Since he is so hot, he would be good for some photos with me to put up on Myspace.

What a Man Does, Not What He Says

Victor contacted me by instant message today. He said that he missed me and would call later. HE NEVER DID! Once again, my guy friend is right. DO NOT LISTEN TO WHAT A GUY SAYS, WATCH WHAT HE DOES. Victor has said that he would call a few times already and has not followed through. This makes me think that he is not into it as much as he says he is. What a turnoff. I really like people who will do what they say they will.

Shane also contacted me about our possible dinner plans this week. We made plans for Thursday but honestly, I feel like canceling. I am not real enthusiastic about him because of our phone calls. I want to get off the phone as quick as I can. His laugh is fake and it seems like he tries too hard. I also found out that he shares a home with 3 college students. Why am I so turned off by this? It seems so immature.

O'Brady sent me an instant message yesterday. He is really hot physically but he is so much into himself. He finally started asking questions about me. I don't like the fact that he is too new agey. I almost want to vomit when he mentions how all these women are after him. He talks about it so much. I believe it because he is hot but wow, he is so insecure. This guy may just be someone cute to go out with for a night and kiss. I don't see myself with him long term, especially because of his past. That is really hard for me to overlook.

A Lifetime of Satisfaction

30 Day Sex Challenge

Read this article from CNN. Sex every day would never be a problem with me!

Indifferent

Wow. I am amazed at my overall attitude of indifference lately. Men will call or text message me and I have no desire to get back with them right away which is so NOT LIKE ME. Victor called me Friday and left a message and it is now Monday and I have yet to call him back. Today he sent me an instant message that said he missed me and to contact him right away. He told me he would call tonight and still has not. I can't stand people that do not do what they say they will. He has done this to me 3 times now.

Shane sent me a text message around 7am this morning. I was lying in bed trying to get the last 3 minutes of sleep before I had to crawl out of my coma. My phone gave me that sound that I love, the sound of a text message! You know the sound I am talking about. Don't you just hate it when you look at your message hoping it is someone else and then feel disappointed when it is not? I looked at my message and he said he wanted me to call him around lunch time. I liked the fact that he texted me this morning BUT THEN, he called me right away within 1 hour of sending the message. What a turnoff!!! BACK OFF DUDE! SLOW DOWN! I called him back 1 hour later and he asked me out for either Friday or Saturday. I said it was not a good time and mentioned having dinner during the week. I felt a bit uncomfortable but I will still give it a shot.

My goodness...Where am I getting this attitude from?

Valentine's Schmallentine's

I actually had a great Valentine's Day. I don't recall many blissful, romantic, days with a valentine. My whole life, I have received maybe 1 or 2 gifts in the past from a love interest. Well today, I received 3 Happy Valentine's Day text messages from 3 different men. For some reason, I felt withdrawn from their thoughtfulness. It may be because of all the anger I have had towards men all week.

I ended up spending the evening with my daughter. We got our nails done together. What fun!

Psycho Texting Max

Today I was an idiot. I felt real sad because I had to terminate my dating relationship with Phoenix and Carl. I felt horrible about it and grieved it although I did not know them at all.

Tonight, I pushed forward and began texting Max to meet me later for a drink. I sent way too many text messages and now I feel like crap. I psycho texted him! About the only solution at this point is to pull way back. I looked vulnerable and needy/clingy. What a ding dong! I hope he contacts me again. Why do I do this to myself? AAAHHHHH! Remind me again...DO NOT CONTACT A MAN!!!

Uh oh

What has gotten into me?

Last night I met Max. A 30 something cutie, analyst. I was real nervous before meeting him. Probably more nervous this time than others. Maybe it was because we spoke so much on the phone. I was attracted to him before I met him. Great personality. When I got to the restaurant LATE, he was outside waiting for me. Now I did call to tell him I was running late. He gave me a long warm hug. We went to the bar and I ordered a glass of wine. I probably appeared picky because I asked them to clean my glass, twice. It felt so ucky, like baked on food. We sat down to have our meal and had great conversation. He was real flirty and touchy feely with me. I liked that coming from him. He was very cute in the face. A little bigger than what I had hoped but he was still cute. I ended up with this creamy chicken dish which was delicious. Let's just say that my chicken was sexually harassed. I had a couple of glasses of some really good wine so I had a real good buzz.

We left the restaurant and then he walked me to my car. We then decided that we were going back to his place. Whoa. STOP. Did I just say that? Yes, on the first date I went back to his place! We stopped to pick up a bottle of wine. Upon entering his home, I noticed that it was very clean for a guy. His place was cute and clean. No real decorating ability but it worked. His cat greeted me at my feet and wanted me to pick it up. I did pick him up and he did not want me to put him down! I loved the cat. Max poured me some wine and we sat on the couch and watched the "beginning" of a movie. He then started rubbing my arms and hands and then told me to rub his arms and hands. Okay, I love to give a massage but damn, do you have to tell me when to do you? What is this tit for tat? Can you just give without expecting to receive? I went ahead and massaged his arms and hands. Then he kissed me. He was a good kisser. We screwed around a little on the couch...you know, grinding, touching, kissing. He went for the crotch on the outside and I did not stop him. I did do the O and he was cool about it. He told me to let go. When i did, it was more intense. He then tells me to go upstairs with him and "cuddle". Yeah right.

Now for the confession...I did go to his bed, I did take off my shirt, I did see and play with his thing...all on the FIRST date. What the hell was I thinking? Let's be honest here, I knew at the restaurant that I wanted to go back to his place and make out. I was in the mood for it. I have been so aroused lately. Gosh, being in my thirties is not easy. My sex drive is way high.

He ended up walked me to my car. He kissed me, twice. He texted me when I got home and sent me a sweet email. All I kept thinking was how much I looked like an easy, sleezy, slut. I hope he calls again.