I have slowed down on the dating scene the last few months to focus on myself and some goals that I want to accomplish. Although my heart is ready for a relationship, I feel like I have some unfinished business with myself to take care of. I am open to dating but have no intention of taking it further right now.
I am overweight and I hate it. I am the fat girl with the pretty face. I am frequently told that I am sexy or pretty by male and female friends or men that I date but none of that matters to me anymore. I have not always been overweight. I was fit before I became a mother 12+ years ago. I have never lost my pregnancy weight. Instead, I have gone up and down like a yo-yo. I especially gained a bunch of weight after I quit smoking 3 years ago. I would much rather be fat than smoke again so I am SO glad that I finally quit. I also put on an additional 15 pounds over the last year due to a bunch of heartache. I had a breakthrough about 1 1/2 months ago. I decided to change my habits and exercise every day, just like brushing my teeth. I am proud to say that I have been successful with the exercise. Exercising has now led me to change my diet so I am counting carbs. I have done this before except I never did it the right way. I feel the best when I am eating less sugar. I have lost 5 pounds. I know this will take a long time.
I hate being fat. I have done this to me. I was really angry at myself when Austin contacted me to go on a date and I had done nothing to improve physically over the last year....All I did was sit on my ass working and eating crappy food.
Being fat bothers me. I am the fat friend, the fat mother, the fat sister, and the booty call fat girl. That's right, booty call fat girl (without the sex). I have been on numerous dates and what I have found is that I am not girlfriend material because I am fat. No one has told me that. They pursue me like they want me but they just want the sex in the end. I am the booty call fat girl. I know that if I were to lose this weight and get fit that I would value myself more and the man would value me more. I would appear more like a prize. Back when I dated as a much smaller woman, I could not keep the guys off of me. They all pursued me for a RELATIONSHIP, it was not just about sex. I know there are men out there that want to be with a fat woman. I have dated many of them. One even said I wasn't fat enough. LOL
Since I have been overweight, it has been a very rare occurance for a man to hit on me in person. As I have been going to the gym regularly, a man approached me at the gym and asked for my email address. We have been communicating often. He is about 15 yrs older than me and very cute. It does not appear that I will like him long term but it is motivating to know that I am going to the gym to meet a guy.
I have been thinking of Austin lately. I do have feelings for him. Tomorrow will be one month since we last saw each other. I have not heard from him and I am okay with that. I have hope that we will see each other again because of our recent reunion. I plan to give it some time and then contact him if he does not do it first. He wrote something on his Myspace that made me curious. He wrote it in French. I did have it translated and what he said was that he was sad because of the end of a new love. I did cry reading it because I do not think it had to do with me. This made me realize once again that I am not girlfriend material. I know that on the inside, I have desirable qualities to a man. I also know that I am physically desirable...but am I long term, no! I am the right now girl and don't want to be anymore! I am soooooo tired of being out with my in shape female friends and men using me to get to them. I also hate it when I dismiss myself when a cute guy comes along and automatically assume that the man wants my friend because he could not possibly want me.
I am excited about what I will accomplish. For the first time as an adult, I have a clear vision of what I want. I just can't wait to get there!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
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8 comments:
I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling about yourself lately. Weight issues affect so many people and it can be daunting to shed the pounds one wants to.
I like reading the positive things you had to say about yourself and think you should focus on them. I think you'll accomplish your goals as you seem to have a good handle on them.
I wish you the best!
From your writting, you ARE BEAUTIFUL. No i dont know you as a person, and having just a pretty face IS enough, or should be. I realize we have to have the initial attraction for someone to notice us, but what happened to 'the inside matters' deal? Dont be so hard on yourself. Going to the gym is not only good for your health, but good for your mind, it makes you generally happier making the endorphines run higher and therein giving you a higher level of confidence, which i have found seems to be what attract men for me, my confidence, can also scare them but who needs scared little man :) *wink* Stay strong, get stronger and get your ass back out there. The right one will come no matter what shape you are. Best wishes, hugs and a huge HEAD UP GIRL!
I read this and thought - wow, what a cool woman. You have something you don't like about yourself and you want to change it so you're going to work on it. Most people just wallow in self pity.
Now, that being said, a few words on what it means to be beautiful. Growing up, I was NEVER the pretty girl. I was the smart girl. It took me years to get past not feeling pretty enough or good enough. And then finally it hit me that what I was lacking was confidence. There are all kinds of beauty and it really is in the eye of the beholder. There are men who think I'm gorgeous and men who think I'm average looking and I'm OK with that. I am guessing that there are a lot of men who think you are beautiful (inside and out) just the way you are. You just aren't noticing because you don't believe it yet.
Being fat is no fun. For the first time in my life I'm the "fat friend", sadly i'm still the cute shapely girl in my head. At least until I catch a glimpse of my butt in store window, LOL.
I'm working out and trying to stick to my diet. Sometimes I just wanna eat that plate of enchilada but it always leads to days or weeks off my eating plan. Exercise is the key!
You can do it!
Hi there,
Whom can I speak with about partnerships/cross-marketing?
Email me please: jhobbs@spark.net.
Thank you.
5 pounds - thats great! I should work on that too. Im also envious that you know what you want - wish I did...
Hey there:
I read your blog - all the entries. I did a search (like a gazillion of them) as to why the pecker didn't call. Was trying to get some insight and your blog popped up. I've recently gotten into the dating scene, after a long hiatus, and I'm still trying to figure it out. I was with someone for two months and I totally thought he was into me and figured it was ok and go ahead and get intimate (why would he say these things to me otherwise?). Anyway, no call afterwards. Wondered if it was my body -- I've gained 15 pounds in all the wrong places. I know that shouldn't be a preoccupation for me, but I just don't feel good with it. I'm sure you're beautiful, but I can totally relate to all the attention I got when I was skinnier. Whether or not it was because I felt better about myself, I don't know. Either way, I'll need all the help I can get in this new dating world so I'm with you! It's not an astronomical amount to lose but I'm fine doing it if it gives that little extra peace of mind. Good luck, chickee. Love your blog. I'm there with you.
We sometimes feel bad about ourselves but it's the people around us that lift us up.Just look around and you'll find a lot of reason to smile.:-)
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