Catching Up

It has been a long time since I last posted. Many things have changed. Rick and I never made it to dating. He ended up revealing to a female friend how much he liked me. She in turn told me. When we got around each other, the electricity was obvious to me and everyone else around us. It all was going well until a lady who is friends with our friends told him how much she liked him. It was as if she knew we liked each other and then went in for the kill. Then it all changed between Rick and I. It fizzled. Fast forward to now and they are engaged! The crazy part about all of this is that the same exact thing happened to me 4 years ago with another guy. It was the same exact situation. They got married quickly. I even went to the wedding. This last time with Rick stung a little and I retreated back into my shell and away from dating since April. I have been busy so there has not been much time to date. My job is more than full time and I enrolled back in school. I have really been enjoying school. I did go on one date recently which I will post about later.

Oh Well

Still feeling guilty about my rejection, I sent a text message to Steven thanking him for dinner and bowling. He did respond back and was nice but I think this is the last I will hear from him. It is probably for the best because I do not think we are compatible. I really want someone fun that can make me laugh and cut up with me. He has a little of that but I want someone that is a bit more bold. It is hard to explain.

No Kissing on the First Date

Since I started dating again coming up on 2 years now, I have had my share of many make out sessions on first dates. I grew tired of it around the end of 2008 so I made the decision that I would no longer kiss on the first date. If you think about it, it is weird to be swapping bodily fluids with strangers that you have known for such a short time. I love to kiss and it is a real intimate thing for me. Tonight I went on a date with Steven. He is a really nice guy. He is probably the nicest guy I have ever been out with from online dating. One issue that I have is that he is shorter then me. His profile says he is 5'6 but he is probably more along the lines of 5'5. This is something that I can get over because after a while, for the most part, I don't see the physical anymore. He has a very attractive face with dark eyes, dark hair, and big full lips. Just how I like it. He has been divorced over a year and has kids. He was a virgin until 26 years old when he married his wife. Since the divorce, he has had sex with 2 women. He has a job in sales management and seems to be well liked by many people. We went to dinner and had a great time. I was so nervous that I felt like I was having mild panic attacks as we were sitting at the table. My throat kept clinching up as I swallowed my food which made everything uncomfortable to me. Time for a drink I thought! So I ordered my favorite dirty martini. He does not drink. I really like it when a man drinks a little at least. It makes it all a little more fun. After dinner he extended the date and we went bowling. I had a great time. We had good conversation. He walked me to my car. I thought I could get by with just a hug but then he kissed me on my lips. I stopped him and told him I do not kiss on the first date. He asked me if I was a "rules girl". I said no, it is just my thing and not to take offense. This was the first time that I ever rejected a guy that I wanted to kiss so it was very awkward. It did feel funny with him being shorter than me when he leaned up to kiss me. I felt guilty about the rejection when I got in my car so I sent him a text with a photo of him bowling. He responded immediately to my text but now I have the feeling that I will never hear from him again.

What Relief

I am so happy that I contacted Austin. It was the best decision. I believe I lived in fear about contacting him again afraid that he may not speak to me. I have dated so much since him and have dealt with the rejection so it made it easier for me to take the risk. I don't know what I was thinking. Sometimes that fear runs my life. I am so relieved that we spoke. I do miss him a bunch. I have yet to reply to his last email. I need to do that soon because he asked me some questions. Over the last few days I have realized more and more that it is worth the shot. You only live once and if you don't take the risk, you'll never know. I know people that live their life so afraid of rejection that they never take a risk on love.

Comfortably Numb

Since I started dating again over a year ago, I have rejected people and I have been rejected. I have found that neither one is easier than the other. The more you experience it, the more you become numb to it and move on. Rejection has never been easy for me because I am such a sensitive woman and I am sensitive to how others feel. I definitely appreciate the amount of dating practice that I have had to learn to deal with this. When I was a young adult, it would take me a long time to get over rejection. Sometimes a year or two. It would hit me so hard that I would fall off into a deep depression. Today it is so much easier. I may be distraught for a day or two and then move on. Distraught may be too strong of a word.

DATING TIP FOR MEN AND WOMEN - In order to get over the fear of rejection, you will have to face it. The more you deal with it, the easier it is to get past it. Don't let the fear of rejection keep you from finding love. When you find your true love, it will be worth every bit of rejection that you ever had to face. As they say, practice makes perfect.

Matt Did Not Call Me Today

Matt told me that he would call me today and I did not hear from him. This hurts a bit because I was just vulnerable with him. He did call me yesterday and said he would call today. Oh great hear we go! Analysis! Why is it that I analyze men when I really start to like them? When I am not as in to them it does not make a difference to me. I am sure the main reason why I have had so many men from my past contact me again lately is because I started to put myself first and focus on me for a change. I think they sensed it. I have always been the side dish and I was finally making me the main course. Now that I messed around with Matt, I feel myself paying a bit more attention to him. I know the rules. I have read all the books. I can't stand the fact that this is my natural reaction. I sometimes wish that I could not have such a conscience after being physical with a man. I wish I could just walk away and not even think about it. I have this fear of rejection and abandonment that is driving the way I think right now. It is so hard to break. I have been going through all of the reasons why he did not call me today...Is he not attracted to me anymore? Am I just a girl that is for fun and not to be serious with? Is he not attracted to my body? I need to snap out of it. I know the thing to do is to focus on me and my goals. I need to have the attitude that he if calls great and if he does not great. But gosh, that will really piss me off if I do not hear from him again. I told him that I don't have sex or mess around with just any guy. He agreed that we would be a regular thing.