Oh Well

Still feeling guilty about my rejection, I sent a text message to Steven thanking him for dinner and bowling. He did respond back and was nice but I think this is the last I will hear from him. It is probably for the best because I do not think we are compatible. I really want someone fun that can make me laugh and cut up with me. He has a little of that but I want someone that is a bit more bold. It is hard to explain.

No Kissing on the First Date

Since I started dating again coming up on 2 years now, I have had my share of many make out sessions on first dates. I grew tired of it around the end of 2008 so I made the decision that I would no longer kiss on the first date. If you think about it, it is weird to be swapping bodily fluids with strangers that you have known for such a short time. I love to kiss and it is a real intimate thing for me. Tonight I went on a date with Steven. He is a really nice guy. He is probably the nicest guy I have ever been out with from online dating. One issue that I have is that he is shorter then me. His profile says he is 5'6 but he is probably more along the lines of 5'5. This is something that I can get over because after a while, for the most part, I don't see the physical anymore. He has a very attractive face with dark eyes, dark hair, and big full lips. Just how I like it. He has been divorced over a year and has kids. He was a virgin until 26 years old when he married his wife. Since the divorce, he has had sex with 2 women. He has a job in sales management and seems to be well liked by many people. We went to dinner and had a great time. I was so nervous that I felt like I was having mild panic attacks as we were sitting at the table. My throat kept clinching up as I swallowed my food which made everything uncomfortable to me. Time for a drink I thought! So I ordered my favorite dirty martini. He does not drink. I really like it when a man drinks a little at least. It makes it all a little more fun. After dinner he extended the date and we went bowling. I had a great time. We had good conversation. He walked me to my car. I thought I could get by with just a hug but then he kissed me on my lips. I stopped him and told him I do not kiss on the first date. He asked me if I was a "rules girl". I said no, it is just my thing and not to take offense. This was the first time that I ever rejected a guy that I wanted to kiss so it was very awkward. It did feel funny with him being shorter than me when he leaned up to kiss me. I felt guilty about the rejection when I got in my car so I sent him a text with a photo of him bowling. He responded immediately to my text but now I have the feeling that I will never hear from him again.

The "Ultimate" Cheatin' Ex-Boyfriend

I found my first real boyfriend, Jay, on Facebook a few days ago. He is the man that I lost my virginity to and the one that ripped my heart out when he cheated on me multiple times. We were also engaged at one time. I have been looking for him for years. Not to reconnect a love romance but to see what his life turned out like. He is now married with 3 kids. It appears to me that his wife is who helped turn his life around. We met for lunch today. It was odd at first because we are both now adults not teenagers. He apologized for being such a jerk to me in the past. I did feel his emotional neediness towards me, though. After we finished our lunch, I asked him if he would take a photo with me because I am creating an album for "ex boyfriends". He laughed and said he would. He also told me that he is the "ultimate" ex-boyfriend because he was the one that "had" me first. Do all men think like this? What freakin' nerve! We sat next to each other while the waiter took our photo. His hand went on my leg and he immediately removed it. He later texted me and made some comments towards me that made me think that he is still a cheater so I called him out on it. I thank God that I never ended up with him. We are 2 totally different people now and what attracts me to a man is much more than what he can offer me. I told him that I plan to support him in his marriage with his 3 beautiful kids as a friend. I am glad that I met with him.

All Too Familiar

You won't believe this. I was out shopping and talking to my girlfriend on the phone and then she blurts out that Phillipe just emailed her through a dating website! I felt so sick to my stomach. He told her that he knew me and that he recognized my friend through some of the photos that he had seen. He said he was just checking out the dating site and then he asked her how she was doing. I could not believe it. Phillipe and I met on another dating website and I told him in one of our first phone calls about another dating website that I use. I could no longer shop so I left the store and went home to get on the dating website. Then he saw me online and IM'd me on the dating website. He told me that he saw my friend and he emailed her to say hello. He said he was on the site to spy on me. He also told me that he thought my friend is cute. I agreed and told him that she is cute. I did not want him to think it bothered me. I think Phillipe was intentionally trying to make me jealous because he knows I have a date with Austin on Friday.

This is all too familiar for me. There was a guy that I dated last year that ended up having a crush on my friend. I made the huge mistake of going on a double date on the 2nd date. His attention was on her all night and he later told me about his crush. I was heartbroken over the whole deal. He was a jerk. I feel so lucky because my girlfriend is one of the best friends that anyone could ever have. I can trust her. She would never do anything to hurt me.

Dating Tip for Men and Women - Do not go on a double date or introduce your single friends to your date until you are in a committed relationship.

What Should I Do?

Yesterday Phillipe called me. I was so shocked when I saw his name pop on my caller ID. He said that he wanted to see me for lunch. I asked him why and he said that he wanted to be with me with no alcohol. We both arrived at the restaurant late. He still looked good in the daylight and was in casual clothing. He said that he was still not smoking and that my challenge motivated him to quit. Early on I told him that I was an ex smoker who quit 3 years ago and I asked him not to smoke around me or kiss me after smoking because it disgusted me. So he quit before our 1st date and asked me for my support. He has been a jerk lately and he told me that he would have a hard time detoxing from cigarettes.

I asked him why he wanted to meet me now rather than 2 weeks. He said that he wanted to make up his mind about what he wanted to do. I asked him for his thoughts about all of this. He said that he wants to date me regularly and sleep with me regularly but he does not want to call it a serious relationship right away. He said that we can evaluate it at a later time. I told him I was relieved because I was not ready to get in a relationship so fast with him. I asked him if we should see other people. He said do you want to see other people? I said yes, I already have a date scheduled for this Friday. He backed up for a minute and said, "What?" I told him that I was going to see Austin. This freaked him out. He said that he wanted to sleep with me before Friday so that he could feel secure about my date. I asked him why. He said that if he sleeps with me then I won't sleep with Austin. I told him that after Saturday I thought that we were done. I said that I was surprised to hear from him. We ended our lunch. He kissed me bye.

We spoke again later in the evening. I had more questions for him about what he is wanting to do. Our conversation got heated and I am sure that I pissed him off. I was trying to push his buttons to see what he would expose to me. I am just trying to find out if this is a one time deal or a "regular" deal. If I sleep with someone, I want it to be more than once. First of all, I do not see myself with this man in the long run. He is so not what I am looking for long term but I am physically attracted to him. Part of me wants to have sex with him. It has been a year and I don't let men in that close to me to sleep with me. I think I have some kind of problem with this. I love sex and lots of it but I have a hard time getting over the hump to have sex the first time with a man. Many women have sex right away. I used to do that when I was younger. I wish I could be that free again. He asked me to take a risk and see where it goes. I remember another guy that I dated said the same thing except he asked me to take a leap of faith.

Basically what all of this means is he is wanting to sleep with me and get to know me and maybe get in a relationship. At any time, either one of us could call it off. No strings attached. I am torn as to what I should do. I go back and forth about it. Part of me thinks he just wants to sleep with me until he finds someone new. I guess I would be doing the same as well. Logically, I know that he is not the one for me. But I do want to have some fun, though. I am not sure where we stand at this point. He was kind of nasty to me last night because of the conversation that I had with him. I am going to pull away and see what happens. It is hard to tell if he is just agitated from no smoking or if he is really like this. I know he is having a hard time. Us talking about the details of it all has messed up the fun part of sex for me. I don't like to think about when it will happen. It just happens.

I am weighing all of this carefully. What should I do? All thoughts are appreciated.

The Bitch is Back

The bitch is back and I am pissed off! This afternoon I heard from Phillipe because we were planning to get together this evening for the 2nd date. He tells me that he did not think it was a good idea for us to get together tonight for 2 reasons. One is that he went way over his budget on our date and did not have anymore money to spend tonight. I think he spent around $200 + last night. I was concerned that he spent too much last night but he kept ordering the food, alcohol, and appetizers. He said he was way out of control and he thinks he drank too much and at times did not know he was spending it. The second reason is because he felt a sexual attraction to me and that it was dangerous for him. I was totally baffled by this. He said that since we have been talking, he felt an emotional connection but then it was not present when we met. He said that he felt a strong sexual attraction to me all night instead. Phillipe told me that he was confused and needed some time to think about it. He said that in the past, he has slept with girls and just walked away and he did not want to do that to me. He told me he respected me way too much to hurt me. He said that when we met, he did not feel intimidated and shy like he did on the phone, that I was not as dominant in person???? He also felt like alcohol may have contributed to his intense animal behavior. He said he did not like the way he reacted to me. He thought he was saying and doing anything to get me to bed and he did not like that. I told him that I was also at fault because I was interested in making out with him so I too contributed to the sexual desire of the evening. He said he needed some time to think about it. We agreed that we would still talk and then meet up in 2 weeks without alcohol to see if there is a connection. If I weigh it all carefully, Phillipe does not have everything that I want. I was willing to overlook the fact that he has 3 very young kids and that he is weak financially. I really do like the way we communicate though, very open and brutally honest. I don't know if we will reconnect for another date. Only time will tell.

I am disappointed with all of this. I look back and yes I made major mistakes. I opened up too easily and revealed way too much of myself. I also NEVER SHOULD HAVE KISSED HIM ON THE FIRST DATE. I am now officially making a new rule for me and first dates, No kissing on the first date, period. I also will not be discussing sex at all before or anytime during the first date. AND I will not be doing any heavy petting on the first date. I showed way too much nice girl. I was too pathetic with my sweetness. I am tired of being real. Men may say they want real but it never works. The only thing that works is to be mysterious and a bitch...on to the next date.

Max the Pervert

Alright that's it. Max is officially a pervert. Today he sent me a text at 8:11am asking me if I want him to send me a picture of his penis. Enough is enough. I hope my lack of response will make him feel like a schmuck.

Max's True Colors

Max IM'd me tonight. The first thing he wrote was, "hey naughty girl". I don't like this side of him. He was so polite and a gentleman before I went on a first date with him months ago. Then I screwed up and did the ultimate no-no of going to his house on the first date. Honestly, I was in the mood that night so I am sure he thinks I am easy. Now the only conversation he has with me is in a sexual tone. He also sent me a photo of his erect penis and talked about how he wanted to meet me this week at my house during lunch. The thought repulsed me. I had fun with him a long time ago but if this is the only side that I will see of him now then forget it!

Rubbers Anyone?

Tonight I hit the town with my girlfriend for a little dinner, drinks, and dancing. It is hard to find clubs/bars for the 30s and up crowd but we found a great place with a cool vibe. I used to be a regular club girl when I was 18-21 but have since slowed down a lot.

We had a delicious meal with some beers at a Mexican restaurant. Then we walked over to the club. I loved the set up. They had a bar that lit up and a live band playing. The band played music that only a 30s and up crowd would recognize. I felt completely comfortable like I fit in with the crowd. I have been to some bars lately where I seemed out of place with a much younger group.

I love to people watch. I witnessed a bunch of scantily dressed cougar women crawling all over the younger guys. I told my friend to please hit me if I ever dress like that at that age! I observed the men and women hooking up for the night and it hit me just how easy it is to have sex. The thought of all of the people having unprotected sex with many different people repulsed me because you don't know where they have been. I said that I should be the condom girl and walk around the club with a basket of condoms on my head and pass them out. Maybe even stand at the front door when the lights come on and give them away and say,"No glove, no love". Booty Call

The Booty Call

I heard from Matt. He called from a bar after a late night out with his friends at 11:45pm! I answered the phone and he said, "Hey sweetie, hey sexy, What are you doing?" I told him I was about to go to bed. He asked, "Why don't you come over in your pajamas and snuggle with me?" I told him no, that it was late and that he was booty calling me at the last minute. We both laughed. He tried to persuade me by offering a back rub, bath with bubbles and candles, etc. The back rub sounded yummy but it really was late and I had to get up early. I could hear his friends giving him a hard time in the background about calling me "sweetie". He has called me before while out with his friends. I find it funny and a little cute.

Matt and I have not had sex. We are both the type that likes to wait. How long? I don't know. I personally don't like to go too far too fast. I screw up and go too fast at times but for the most part I keep it to just making out. To give you an idea, I have had sex one time in the last year and have been on tons of dates. I sometimes wish that I could not have a conscience about it and just do it whenever I want to. I am emotionally connected to sex so I have to get to know someone before I can do it. I get really grossed out when I hear of men sleeping around a lot. I respect a man a lot more when he waits to get to know someone well before having sex. I am not sure what the future holds with Matt and I. Right now we are just having a little fun and I like it that way. I am getting to know him without all of the pressure of a commitment.

Matt Did Not Call Me Today

Matt told me that he would call me today and I did not hear from him. This hurts a bit because I was just vulnerable with him. He did call me yesterday and said he would call today. Oh great hear we go! Analysis! Why is it that I analyze men when I really start to like them? When I am not as in to them it does not make a difference to me. I am sure the main reason why I have had so many men from my past contact me again lately is because I started to put myself first and focus on me for a change. I think they sensed it. I have always been the side dish and I was finally making me the main course. Now that I messed around with Matt, I feel myself paying a bit more attention to him. I know the rules. I have read all the books. I can't stand the fact that this is my natural reaction. I sometimes wish that I could not have such a conscience after being physical with a man. I wish I could just walk away and not even think about it. I have this fear of rejection and abandonment that is driving the way I think right now. It is so hard to break. I have been going through all of the reasons why he did not call me today...Is he not attracted to me anymore? Am I just a girl that is for fun and not to be serious with? Is he not attracted to my body? I need to snap out of it. I know the thing to do is to focus on me and my goals. I need to have the attitude that he if calls great and if he does not great. But gosh, that will really piss me off if I do not hear from him again. I told him that I don't have sex or mess around with just any guy. He agreed that we would be a regular thing.

A Piece of Max's Chicken?

As I said before, guys are so unpredictable. The guy that I psycho text messaged after 1 date, Max, has suddenly come back into the picture after months of not calling me. You really can erase your mistakes with a man because they forget. He told me that he does not remember why we quit talking. Max has been pursuing me sexually. We never had sex but he thinks I am easy because I went back to his place on the first date! I have to say that I am tired of the sexual comments instead of good innocent conversation. One thing that grosses me out about men is knowing that that they might have just been with another woman. I prefer to be with someone that has not screwed around in a while. How do you really know? Are they all lying? Do I really want to mess with Max's piece of chicken? I think I just talked myself out of it. I'll pass.