Unfinished Business

I have slowed down on the dating scene the last few months to focus on myself and some goals that I want to accomplish. Although my heart is ready for a relationship, I feel like I have some unfinished business with myself to take care of. I am open to dating but have no intention of taking it further right now.

I am overweight and I hate it. I am the fat girl with the pretty face. I am frequently told that I am sexy or pretty by male and female friends or men that I date but none of that matters to me anymore. I have not always been overweight. I was fit before I became a mother 12+ years ago. I have never lost my pregnancy weight. Instead, I have gone up and down like a yo-yo. I especially gained a bunch of weight after I quit smoking 3 years ago. I would much rather be fat than smoke again so I am SO glad that I finally quit. I also put on an additional 15 pounds over the last year due to a bunch of heartache. I had a breakthrough about 1 1/2 months ago. I decided to change my habits and exercise every day, just like brushing my teeth. I am proud to say that I have been successful with the exercise. Exercising has now led me to change my diet so I am counting carbs. I have done this before except I never did it the right way. I feel the best when I am eating less sugar. I have lost 5 pounds. I know this will take a long time.

I hate being fat. I have done this to me. I was really angry at myself when Austin contacted me to go on a date and I had done nothing to improve physically over the last year....All I did was sit on my ass working and eating crappy food.

Being fat bothers me. I am the fat friend, the fat mother, the fat sister, and the booty call fat girl. That's right, booty call fat girl (without the sex). I have been on numerous dates and what I have found is that I am not girlfriend material because I am fat. No one has told me that. They pursue me like they want me but they just want the sex in the end. I am the booty call fat girl. I know that if I were to lose this weight and get fit that I would value myself more and the man would value me more. I would appear more like a prize. Back when I dated as a much smaller woman, I could not keep the guys off of me. They all pursued me for a RELATIONSHIP, it was not just about sex. I know there are men out there that want to be with a fat woman. I have dated many of them. One even said I wasn't fat enough. LOL

Since I have been overweight, it has been a very rare occurance for a man to hit on me in person. As I have been going to the gym regularly, a man approached me at the gym and asked for my email address. We have been communicating often. He is about 15 yrs older than me and very cute. It does not appear that I will like him long term but it is motivating to know that I am going to the gym to meet a guy.

I have been thinking of Austin lately. I do have feelings for him. Tomorrow will be one month since we last saw each other. I have not heard from him and I am okay with that. I have hope that we will see each other again because of our recent reunion. I plan to give it some time and then contact him if he does not do it first. He wrote something on his Myspace that made me curious. He wrote it in French. I did have it translated and what he said was that he was sad because of the end of a new love. I did cry reading it because I do not think it had to do with me. This made me realize once again that I am not girlfriend material. I know that on the inside, I have desirable qualities to a man. I also know that I am physically desirable...but am I long term, no! I am the right now girl and don't want to be anymore! I am soooooo tired of being out with my in shape female friends and men using me to get to them. I also hate it when I dismiss myself when a cute guy comes along and automatically assume that the man wants my friend because he could not possibly want me.

I am excited about what I will accomplish. For the first time as an adult, I have a clear vision of what I want. I just can't wait to get there!

The "Ultimate" Cheatin' Ex-Boyfriend

I found my first real boyfriend, Jay, on Facebook a few days ago. He is the man that I lost my virginity to and the one that ripped my heart out when he cheated on me multiple times. We were also engaged at one time. I have been looking for him for years. Not to reconnect a love romance but to see what his life turned out like. He is now married with 3 kids. It appears to me that his wife is who helped turn his life around. We met for lunch today. It was odd at first because we are both now adults not teenagers. He apologized for being such a jerk to me in the past. I did feel his emotional neediness towards me, though. After we finished our lunch, I asked him if he would take a photo with me because I am creating an album for "ex boyfriends". He laughed and said he would. He also told me that he is the "ultimate" ex-boyfriend because he was the one that "had" me first. Do all men think like this? What freakin' nerve! We sat next to each other while the waiter took our photo. His hand went on my leg and he immediately removed it. He later texted me and made some comments towards me that made me think that he is still a cheater so I called him out on it. I thank God that I never ended up with him. We are 2 totally different people now and what attracts me to a man is much more than what he can offer me. I told him that I plan to support him in his marriage with his 3 beautiful kids as a friend. I am glad that I met with him.

All Too Familiar

You won't believe this. I was out shopping and talking to my girlfriend on the phone and then she blurts out that Phillipe just emailed her through a dating website! I felt so sick to my stomach. He told her that he knew me and that he recognized my friend through some of the photos that he had seen. He said he was just checking out the dating site and then he asked her how she was doing. I could not believe it. Phillipe and I met on another dating website and I told him in one of our first phone calls about another dating website that I use. I could no longer shop so I left the store and went home to get on the dating website. Then he saw me online and IM'd me on the dating website. He told me that he saw my friend and he emailed her to say hello. He said he was on the site to spy on me. He also told me that he thought my friend is cute. I agreed and told him that she is cute. I did not want him to think it bothered me. I think Phillipe was intentionally trying to make me jealous because he knows I have a date with Austin on Friday.

This is all too familiar for me. There was a guy that I dated last year that ended up having a crush on my friend. I made the huge mistake of going on a double date on the 2nd date. His attention was on her all night and he later told me about his crush. I was heartbroken over the whole deal. He was a jerk. I feel so lucky because my girlfriend is one of the best friends that anyone could ever have. I can trust her. She would never do anything to hurt me.

Dating Tip for Men and Women - Do not go on a double date or introduce your single friends to your date until you are in a committed relationship.

What Should I Do?

Yesterday Phillipe called me. I was so shocked when I saw his name pop on my caller ID. He said that he wanted to see me for lunch. I asked him why and he said that he wanted to be with me with no alcohol. We both arrived at the restaurant late. He still looked good in the daylight and was in casual clothing. He said that he was still not smoking and that my challenge motivated him to quit. Early on I told him that I was an ex smoker who quit 3 years ago and I asked him not to smoke around me or kiss me after smoking because it disgusted me. So he quit before our 1st date and asked me for my support. He has been a jerk lately and he told me that he would have a hard time detoxing from cigarettes.

I asked him why he wanted to meet me now rather than 2 weeks. He said that he wanted to make up his mind about what he wanted to do. I asked him for his thoughts about all of this. He said that he wants to date me regularly and sleep with me regularly but he does not want to call it a serious relationship right away. He said that we can evaluate it at a later time. I told him I was relieved because I was not ready to get in a relationship so fast with him. I asked him if we should see other people. He said do you want to see other people? I said yes, I already have a date scheduled for this Friday. He backed up for a minute and said, "What?" I told him that I was going to see Austin. This freaked him out. He said that he wanted to sleep with me before Friday so that he could feel secure about my date. I asked him why. He said that if he sleeps with me then I won't sleep with Austin. I told him that after Saturday I thought that we were done. I said that I was surprised to hear from him. We ended our lunch. He kissed me bye.

We spoke again later in the evening. I had more questions for him about what he is wanting to do. Our conversation got heated and I am sure that I pissed him off. I was trying to push his buttons to see what he would expose to me. I am just trying to find out if this is a one time deal or a "regular" deal. If I sleep with someone, I want it to be more than once. First of all, I do not see myself with this man in the long run. He is so not what I am looking for long term but I am physically attracted to him. Part of me wants to have sex with him. It has been a year and I don't let men in that close to me to sleep with me. I think I have some kind of problem with this. I love sex and lots of it but I have a hard time getting over the hump to have sex the first time with a man. Many women have sex right away. I used to do that when I was younger. I wish I could be that free again. He asked me to take a risk and see where it goes. I remember another guy that I dated said the same thing except he asked me to take a leap of faith.

Basically what all of this means is he is wanting to sleep with me and get to know me and maybe get in a relationship. At any time, either one of us could call it off. No strings attached. I am torn as to what I should do. I go back and forth about it. Part of me thinks he just wants to sleep with me until he finds someone new. I guess I would be doing the same as well. Logically, I know that he is not the one for me. But I do want to have some fun, though. I am not sure where we stand at this point. He was kind of nasty to me last night because of the conversation that I had with him. I am going to pull away and see what happens. It is hard to tell if he is just agitated from no smoking or if he is really like this. I know he is having a hard time. Us talking about the details of it all has messed up the fun part of sex for me. I don't like to think about when it will happen. It just happens.

I am weighing all of this carefully. What should I do? All thoughts are appreciated.

The Date with the French Man

I just got home from a fabulous date. We were both nervous to meet each other. I arrived on time and he was already upstairs at the bar waiting for me. He wore a button up shirt with a tie. Very handsome. I love his face, he has a million dollar smile along with beautiful brown puppy dog eyes and long eyelashes. His body is rockin' as well :) We had dinner at a French restaurant on top of the roof while listening to live jazz. The air outside was perfect. Everything I ate, I had never had before (escargot, baked salmon). It was so delicious. He said that he loved the place and that it reminded him of home. He ordered a bottle of wine from France. Every time my glass was empty, he would pour it for me. I love being taken care of like that. It was neat seeing him so excited about the wine and food. He is a wine connoisseur. I was so impressed with his knowledge about wine. When we received our dinner, I asked him if he wanted to try some of my food. He said sure and then he got some of his food and fed me. I did the same in return. What a turn on.

We left the restaurant and walked down the street to a bar. He sat next to me in the booth and we drank exotic beers all night. I was rolling on a good buzz. He was smooth and snuck the kiss in while we were in the booth. His lips are big like mine so they fit well together. We kissed many short, sweet kisses while in the bar. All night long he gave me great eye contact. He consistently stared into my eyes. It was nice. Many beers later, he asked some deeper questions. At this point, my eyes started welling up with tears and they streamed down my face. How embarrassing! LOL He was awesome about it though. He grabbed my hand, kissed it, and faced his body with mine and nurtured my emotions. I asked the waitress to take our photo. He later asked if I could send the photos to him.

We left the bar and walked down the street and briefly checkout out the beautiful park. Then we went to my car and I drove us back to where he was parked. We stayed in my car for the next 3 hours making out! I love to kiss and he is an exceptional kisser. I did go further sexually than I normally do on a first date. He was very intense with me. I could feel his desire. I did get turned off when he asked me to give him oral sex. I could not believe he asked me to do that so fast. I told him that it was not the right time. We talked about our date for Saturday night and where we would like to go. He told me that it does not matter to him because he just wants to spend time with me. Phillipe and I have great chemistry. I think we get each other. It was very apparent when we would give each other a look and know that the other was thinking the same exact thing. Then we would bust out laughing. This will be interesting.

I am the type of person that has a real hard time having sex so quickly with a man. Sometimes I hate the fact that I struggle with it. After all, I am a 30s woman with a big sexual appetite. Part of me likes that I cannot have sex with a man until an emotional connection is established. Another part of me wants to be able to be free to have sex without feeling anything. So many women go way too fast sexually with a man which makes it very difficult for those of us that go slower. I can tell that with each man I date, the expectations are higher. Phillipe did tell me that he would wait for me to have sex. After tonight, I now know that he is highly charged sexually. I am too. I just hope he can be patient for me.

Right now I have this crazy insecure feeling. It all stems from a fear of abandonment and a fear of rejection. This happens sometimes when I have a really great date. I get fearful that I will never hear from them again. If you look at my history, that has never been the case but the fear still lingers...

Ooh La La

I am talking to a French man. His name is Phillipe, smoking hot, mid 30s, 3 kids, business owner, from Paris and the Caribbean. We have been communicating through text, IM, and phone for 1 week today. He calls me every day and we talk for hours in the evening and sometimes into the morning. He has been investing a lot of time in me. He is such a gentleman...so romantic. We have a date this Friday and are excited to meet each other. He has already scheduled the 2nd date for Saturday!

He is very much like me in that we are both analyzers but with heart. We are deep thinkers and feelers. I was amazed at his level of wisdom and emotion. It is very rare. I think he gets me in many areas so I am curious to see how we are in person.

He told me that I touch a very sensitive part of him and he likes it. Phillipe scored major points when he took the many photos that I shared with him and put them in a collage and sent it to me. It was really thoughtful. I have noticed that men from online dating don't do the sweet little things that men have always done to win a woman's heart. It has been disappointing.

This looks promising but I don't want to get ahead of myself.

Max the Pervert

Alright that's it. Max is officially a pervert. Today he sent me a text at 8:11am asking me if I want him to send me a picture of his penis. Enough is enough. I hope my lack of response will make him feel like a schmuck.

Equal Opportunity Dater

I am an EOD...Equal Opportunity Dater. What this means is that even if you do not fit my physical traits that I desire in a man and you are a nice guy with a good personality, charm, and a stable job, then I might go on a date with you. I have male friends in my life that I know well. Normally, I would not think they are physically attractive but their hearts and everything about them make me attracted to them. So I know it is possible to get beyond the looks and fall for someone's heart. This does not mean that I am open to dating any man. I need to be a little bit physically attracted from looking at their photo or I won't go there. If I don't feel it on the first date, I will even go on dates #2, #3, or #4 to see if the attraction develops. I would have to be totally repulsed not to go on a 2nd date.

This leads me to my next potential...His name is Lenny. He is upper 30s, good stable sales job, 1 daughter, musician, and an all around good, polite, gentleman. I LOVE NICE GUYS. We have only been chatting through IM so far. The phone is next. He is very attentive. I love that.

I am not attracted to him physically except for his eyes and lips. He has one of the chunkiest faces that I have ever seen! This bothers me but I want to get to know him to see if there is a connection. So far, he has done everything right. He mentioned going on a date so I suspect that we will meet soon.

Dating Tip For Men and Women - You never know what prince or princess could be underneath an outer exterior. Try and date people outside of your typical standard of physical looks and see if an attraction develops. Don't limit yourself to one standard.

Back from the Cave

Today, Matt IM'd me again. He greeted me with, "Hey sexy ass". He is loving his new job. Overall he was fun and playful. John Gray from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is so right. Men are like rubber bands. They pull away and go in their cave. If you leave them alone, when they come out, they will spring back to you. When they come out, they act as if time never passed. Interesting...

I Contacted Austin!

Today, I got up the nerve to contact Austin. I sent him an email. It was relaxed, short, and sweet. I just told him that I wanted to check in and say hello and see how he is doing. I did not mention anything about getting together. After I sent it, I had a fear that he may not respond but then I told myself that I have nothing to lose because we are already not talking anyway. I clicked the sent button, took a deep breath, and let it go. SEVEN MINUTES LATER HE REPLIED! Tears started flowing from my eyes as soon as I read the way he wrote the intro. He wrote "Hey! I was just thinking about you the other day!" No wonder I had this overwhelming urge to contact him. We both have been thinking about each other! He said he could not believe it has been a year. The tone of his email was happy and excited to hear from me. He wanted to know what was going on in my world so I sent another reply and gave him some of the highlights. I tried to keep it as brief as possible. I also wanted to sound interesting. I once again did not mention anything about getting together. He replied again within thirty minutes with a much longer email than what I had sent. He said that his job is going well. He said he was proud of what I have been doing. He told me that he is happy that we are back in touch and mentioned checking our calendars and getting together at a lounge. I would love to see him but I am not ready yet. I will contact him when I am. I want him to kiss me again...I have never been kissed like that before.


On another note, I heard from Matt today. He instant messaged me and said that he got a job and starts tomorrow. He has been out of work for the last few months so I am happy for him. It is funny to me how 2 weeks can go by and then this guy you were seeing all of a sudden contacts you as if you just spoke to him yesterday. It has been 2 weeks since I have heard from him. 2 weeks to a man is like 1 day. 1 day to a woman is like 1 year.

Dating Tip for Women - As long as you did not repeatedly display psycho behavior to a man that you dated for at least a month, it is okay to contact him to say hello. Allow for plenty of time (3 or more months) to pass before you contact him. More than likely he will respond back and be thrilled to hear from you. You have nothing to lose because you are not communicating anyway.

Should I Contact Him Now? That is the Question.

Austin has been on my mind a lot lately. We were dating this time last year for 3 months. I have this overwhelming urge to contact him by email just to say hello and see how he is. We have not spoken since February of this year. Austin is a different kind of man. He pursued in the sense of when we were in person and on the date but in between the dates, he asked me to contact him. Every once in awhile, if he did not hear from me, he would call. I have never had this happen before. Usually the man contacts me every time. With the exception of Austin, men never ask me to call. They like to stay in control.

Austin and I had the most passion for each other. I felt very safe with him and he took really good care of me. I don't think anyone has ever treated me better. He paid attention to all of my details. If he noticed that my feet were hurting, he would just start rubbing them. If my wine glass was empty, he would fill it up. He enjoyed serving me. I never had to say a word. He has really great taste and we have the same interests so I always had the best time with him. It is hard to explain what happened between us but all I can figure out is that he got scared and ran. I can tell that Austin has commitment issues. I think this is completely related to his father walking out on the family and never coming back when he was a young boy. I never did ask for a commitment but it is possible that my actions and body language told him otherwise.

I did move on in the dating world since Austin but honestly, I have been in a funk all year. I have gone up a clothing size and quit taking care of myself like I was doing. I do plan to contact him again to try and see him, but I want to be looking and feeling my best when I do.

I might go ahead and just email him to check in. His status on Myspace showed that he is sad so I am curious to see if he is okay.

Max's True Colors

Max IM'd me tonight. The first thing he wrote was, "hey naughty girl". I don't like this side of him. He was so polite and a gentleman before I went on a first date with him months ago. Then I screwed up and did the ultimate no-no of going to his house on the first date. Honestly, I was in the mood that night so I am sure he thinks I am easy. Now the only conversation he has with me is in a sexual tone. He also sent me a photo of his erect penis and talked about how he wanted to meet me this week at my house during lunch. The thought repulsed me. I had fun with him a long time ago but if this is the only side that I will see of him now then forget it!

Rubbers Anyone?

Tonight I hit the town with my girlfriend for a little dinner, drinks, and dancing. It is hard to find clubs/bars for the 30s and up crowd but we found a great place with a cool vibe. I used to be a regular club girl when I was 18-21 but have since slowed down a lot.

We had a delicious meal with some beers at a Mexican restaurant. Then we walked over to the club. I loved the set up. They had a bar that lit up and a live band playing. The band played music that only a 30s and up crowd would recognize. I felt completely comfortable like I fit in with the crowd. I have been to some bars lately where I seemed out of place with a much younger group.

I love to people watch. I witnessed a bunch of scantily dressed cougar women crawling all over the younger guys. I told my friend to please hit me if I ever dress like that at that age! I observed the men and women hooking up for the night and it hit me just how easy it is to have sex. The thought of all of the people having unprotected sex with many different people repulsed me because you don't know where they have been. I said that I should be the condom girl and walk around the club with a basket of condoms on my head and pass them out. Maybe even stand at the front door when the lights come on and give them away and say,"No glove, no love". Booty Call

The Booty Call

I heard from Matt. He called from a bar after a late night out with his friends at 11:45pm! I answered the phone and he said, "Hey sweetie, hey sexy, What are you doing?" I told him I was about to go to bed. He asked, "Why don't you come over in your pajamas and snuggle with me?" I told him no, that it was late and that he was booty calling me at the last minute. We both laughed. He tried to persuade me by offering a back rub, bath with bubbles and candles, etc. The back rub sounded yummy but it really was late and I had to get up early. I could hear his friends giving him a hard time in the background about calling me "sweetie". He has called me before while out with his friends. I find it funny and a little cute.

Matt and I have not had sex. We are both the type that likes to wait. How long? I don't know. I personally don't like to go too far too fast. I screw up and go too fast at times but for the most part I keep it to just making out. To give you an idea, I have had sex one time in the last year and have been on tons of dates. I sometimes wish that I could not have a conscience about it and just do it whenever I want to. I am emotionally connected to sex so I have to get to know someone before I can do it. I get really grossed out when I hear of men sleeping around a lot. I respect a man a lot more when he waits to get to know someone well before having sex. I am not sure what the future holds with Matt and I. Right now we are just having a little fun and I like it that way. I am getting to know him without all of the pressure of a commitment.