He Called Me

Today I forwarded Rick an email that he needed to see and instead of responding by email, he called me. I think he used it as an excuse. We spoke for 2 hours and 45 minutes. We can relate to each other a lot. Our conversation ran deep. He is normally someone that goes to bed early so I was surprised to see him stay up this late!

Definite Connection

My feelings are confirmed. I saw him later today and he stopped me and said that he had so much fun talking to me and that he very much enjoyed it. Then he wanted to stay around me and we spoke for about 45 minutes after everyone else left. He gave me a hug later and said that my hair smelled nice. Later this evening, he sent me a text that thanked me for talking to him. He said that he is really enjoying getting to know who I am. Yay!

The Connection

Something crazy happened today. I have been totally focused on myself lately. I have not really paid much attention to men. Tonight, I felt a connection from a conversation with a man that I have known for a few years. His name is Rick. He is handsome and not really my usual type but he has a beautiful heart! A few months back, a lady told me that he had a crush on me. I told her to go and confirm it and the next day she told me that I was too intimidating for him. I was confused by it because she just said that he had a crush. I ignored it, pushed it aside and moved on. This brings me to today. When I have seen him lately, I pretend not to notice him unless he approaches me. Today he did approach me. All that we did was talk about a competition that my daughter is involved in and I left the conversation feeling warm fuzzies. It was like cupid shot me in the butt. I have thought about it ever since. It was definitely a connection.

Oh Well

Still feeling guilty about my rejection, I sent a text message to Steven thanking him for dinner and bowling. He did respond back and was nice but I think this is the last I will hear from him. It is probably for the best because I do not think we are compatible. I really want someone fun that can make me laugh and cut up with me. He has a little of that but I want someone that is a bit more bold. It is hard to explain.

No Kissing on the First Date

Since I started dating again coming up on 2 years now, I have had my share of many make out sessions on first dates. I grew tired of it around the end of 2008 so I made the decision that I would no longer kiss on the first date. If you think about it, it is weird to be swapping bodily fluids with strangers that you have known for such a short time. I love to kiss and it is a real intimate thing for me. Tonight I went on a date with Steven. He is a really nice guy. He is probably the nicest guy I have ever been out with from online dating. One issue that I have is that he is shorter then me. His profile says he is 5'6 but he is probably more along the lines of 5'5. This is something that I can get over because after a while, for the most part, I don't see the physical anymore. He has a very attractive face with dark eyes, dark hair, and big full lips. Just how I like it. He has been divorced over a year and has kids. He was a virgin until 26 years old when he married his wife. Since the divorce, he has had sex with 2 women. He has a job in sales management and seems to be well liked by many people. We went to dinner and had a great time. I was so nervous that I felt like I was having mild panic attacks as we were sitting at the table. My throat kept clinching up as I swallowed my food which made everything uncomfortable to me. Time for a drink I thought! So I ordered my favorite dirty martini. He does not drink. I really like it when a man drinks a little at least. It makes it all a little more fun. After dinner he extended the date and we went bowling. I had a great time. We had good conversation. He walked me to my car. I thought I could get by with just a hug but then he kissed me on my lips. I stopped him and told him I do not kiss on the first date. He asked me if I was a "rules girl". I said no, it is just my thing and not to take offense. This was the first time that I ever rejected a guy that I wanted to kiss so it was very awkward. It did feel funny with him being shorter than me when he leaned up to kiss me. I felt guilty about the rejection when I got in my car so I sent him a text with a photo of him bowling. He responded immediately to my text but now I have the feeling that I will never hear from him again.

Long Time No Post

Happy New Year! I have not posted since November. I took a little break. I have been real busy and focused on my goals. I have lost 6 more pounds since my last post. It really does come off slower as you get older! I have not been on many dates but I have talked to a few men. I met one man at the gym. Imagine that! Meeting a man at the gym...no makeup, sweaty, gym clothes! He is very cute but I am afraid our age difference is too much. We have been talking through email. I have dated much older men in the past but it did not work well so I probably will opt out of this one.

Austin pops in my mind all the time. I feel a sense of longing for him and it drives me crazy. My feelings for him intensify right around PMS so that may have something to do with it. I do want to see him again and can't wait until the day that I do. Something within me tells me that there is more to the story with him.

Unfinished Business

I have slowed down on the dating scene the last few months to focus on myself and some goals that I want to accomplish. Although my heart is ready for a relationship, I feel like I have some unfinished business with myself to take care of. I am open to dating but have no intention of taking it further right now.

I am overweight and I hate it. I am the fat girl with the pretty face. I am frequently told that I am sexy or pretty by male and female friends or men that I date but none of that matters to me anymore. I have not always been overweight. I was fit before I became a mother 12+ years ago. I have never lost my pregnancy weight. Instead, I have gone up and down like a yo-yo. I especially gained a bunch of weight after I quit smoking 3 years ago. I would much rather be fat than smoke again so I am SO glad that I finally quit. I also put on an additional 15 pounds over the last year due to a bunch of heartache. I had a breakthrough about 1 1/2 months ago. I decided to change my habits and exercise every day, just like brushing my teeth. I am proud to say that I have been successful with the exercise. Exercising has now led me to change my diet so I am counting carbs. I have done this before except I never did it the right way. I feel the best when I am eating less sugar. I have lost 5 pounds. I know this will take a long time.

I hate being fat. I have done this to me. I was really angry at myself when Austin contacted me to go on a date and I had done nothing to improve physically over the last year....All I did was sit on my ass working and eating crappy food.

Being fat bothers me. I am the fat friend, the fat mother, the fat sister, and the booty call fat girl. That's right, booty call fat girl (without the sex). I have been on numerous dates and what I have found is that I am not girlfriend material because I am fat. No one has told me that. They pursue me like they want me but they just want the sex in the end. I am the booty call fat girl. I know that if I were to lose this weight and get fit that I would value myself more and the man would value me more. I would appear more like a prize. Back when I dated as a much smaller woman, I could not keep the guys off of me. They all pursued me for a RELATIONSHIP, it was not just about sex. I know there are men out there that want to be with a fat woman. I have dated many of them. One even said I wasn't fat enough. LOL

Since I have been overweight, it has been a very rare occurance for a man to hit on me in person. As I have been going to the gym regularly, a man approached me at the gym and asked for my email address. We have been communicating often. He is about 15 yrs older than me and very cute. It does not appear that I will like him long term but it is motivating to know that I am going to the gym to meet a guy.

I have been thinking of Austin lately. I do have feelings for him. Tomorrow will be one month since we last saw each other. I have not heard from him and I am okay with that. I have hope that we will see each other again because of our recent reunion. I plan to give it some time and then contact him if he does not do it first. He wrote something on his Myspace that made me curious. He wrote it in French. I did have it translated and what he said was that he was sad because of the end of a new love. I did cry reading it because I do not think it had to do with me. This made me realize once again that I am not girlfriend material. I know that on the inside, I have desirable qualities to a man. I also know that I am physically desirable...but am I long term, no! I am the right now girl and don't want to be anymore! I am soooooo tired of being out with my in shape female friends and men using me to get to them. I also hate it when I dismiss myself when a cute guy comes along and automatically assume that the man wants my friend because he could not possibly want me.

I am excited about what I will accomplish. For the first time as an adult, I have a clear vision of what I want. I just can't wait to get there!